I love my life, how's yours?

Did you know there is only one "right" way of doing things.  Especially if you are small minded.  How sad it is to live your life in a narrow hallway of self righteous garbage.  Never opening a door or peeping out the window in fear the "evils" of the world might rush in and mar your perfect view of the little world you have created.  Never is this more evident to me when you meet someone who is standing on this moral high ground, talking down to you.  It must be nice to hen peck bits and pieces of whatever works for you and call it your religion or faith.  Really?  What do you have faith in, your ability to spin a yarn of bullshit so deep you can't even find your way out?

Well, I go to church on Sundays, pay my church dues, and preach to everyone I can find to listen that my way is the right way.  But then on the weekdays I engage in premarital sex, try to screw my neighbor's wife, gamble at the casino, and gossip.  WOW, and call me uneducated, ignorant, or faithless because I don't buy into what you are saying.  I am just trying to live my life in the best way possible, striving to be a better person, to live in service of others.  To listen, and weigh all things. I don't think God has a problem with that.  I don't think God gave us information and knowledge so we could never ask questions or think critically.  I don't think he handed his words down to be taken so literally there is no room for any other interpretation.  For example, God said, be fruitful and multiply. What does that mean to you?  Some would use it as a ticket to reproduce as much as possible, never weighing the consequences or responsibilities of their actions.  I use it as a guideline to live by, be fruitful in your interactions with others, share knowledge, multiply your blessings in ALL aspects of your life.  So no, I don't always agree with you.  But it's not because I am ignorant, it's because I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinions and beliefs.  And if it is working for them who am I to say whether is wrong or right?


My Mom often used the quote: Judge not, yest ye be judged.  Don't judge others unless you are ready to subject yourself to some judgment.  I think the best we can do is acknowledge that no, we are not perfect.  Life is a journey, and if you use it wisely, you use it to grow.  Not just in the literal sense, but in the figurative sense too.  To learn, to think, to strive to be a better person, to love others, and to share your blessings. I think that you are a better person to admit your faults, than try to hide them.  To hide behind this idea you have of faith.  Faith should not be used to beat other people down, and make them feel less than.  I think Faith in itself should lift people up, to make them feel happy and peaceful.   So really, if you spend your time in judgment of and looking down on others from your pedestal,  how happy and peaceful can you be feeling?  Maybe it's time to reevaluate your life instead of focusing so much of your attention on others.....

The One Thing I Know for Sure.......

Life keeps moving, whether you want it to or not.  Days turn into weeks, weeks into months, months into years.  Funny, I don't feel any older than I did at 21, but this year makes me 30.  I often look around wondering where the time went, and sadly, each passing year it flies faster.  I guess our lives are like sand in your palm.  You can hold it only awhile before it slips silently out of your grasp.

I wonder if I will still feel the same in another 10 years, when I have a 21 year old daughter?  Will I feel as I do today, a 21 year old, stuck in someone else's aging body?  All along though, there are the constants that provide comfort.  The man that has slept across the bed for me for 12 years, wow, he is almost 30 too.  The 3 children, that for a while will still need me, but it will never be for long enough.  The friends that are aging with me, and helping me laugh away some of this time.  The house we have made a home together.  With a Mom and a Dad, 3 kids,  2 dogs, a swing set, and a picnic table.  In so many ways ordinary, but in so many ways extraordinary.

It seems like all I did was blink, and here I am.  It passed so slowly as a child, I came to fear I would never gain freedom.  I would live under my father's tyrannical rule forever.  Constantly longing to grow up, I wish I could go back and tell that child to calm down.  Wait a minute, enjoy it a little more, it will all be gone before you know it.  Alas, that is the catch 22 of this life.  In an effort to grow up a little more quickly we try to speed it up, and in order to beat the clock of age, we later try to slow it down again.  But the joke is on us.  Time marches on.......with or without us.  I guess it's a trip I'll have to take, and try not to blink, it's gone.

You mean this might go on for 92 f&%$king years???

The new job I have gotten has given me more quiet than I have had in a long time.  I spend my days playing scrabble with a 92 year old women, at least until she dozes off, which renders me unable to move in fear that I wake her.  So I am left with my thoughts.  I have not been sticking to my "food lifestyle plan" as diligently as I had hoped.  Let's just say I have really given it the heave-ho.  I don't want that, I want to do it.  No, I don't.  It took me one month to gain back 10 lbs.  And that, my friends, is the struggle.  My exhausting search for BALANCE.  I am either tottering on the edge of despair, or bubbling on the verge of elation.  I am either pigging out, or strictly limiting myself.  I am neither here nor there, which get's me no where.

I want to enjoy life.  I want to laugh, drink, eat, walk my dogs, play scrabble, drink coffee, bake, and nap on rainy days.  I want to do these things at appropriate times, feel things in the moment, and then let them go into the universe.  Not chew on them until any semblance of flavor is long since made it's exit.  Why is it so hard?  I find moments.  I get fleeting glimpses, then I fall back into the old patterns again.  I find success, only to sabotage it.  I find happiness, only to question it.  And I find food, and I eat it.
 
So, maybe this break from the healthy lifestyle is needed.  Maybe it is a lesson in humility.  Maybe it's time to face the fact that this is it, and I can't do it.  Or somewhere deep down I really don't want to.  I just crave this balance, it's almost a mirage to me.  I know it exists and I get close, only to have it disappear as if it was never even there.  So what have I learned so far on this journey?  I have to say I am more self aware.  I have never spent so much time in my own head as I have these past few months.  And though, it can be a scary place sometimes, there are really beautiful places too.  

I have to say that I am okay with the person I am, maybe not physically, but deep down in my heart I love my personality.  I am very confused spiritually though, and that is part of the problem.  My inability to connect to anything that requires faith troubles me, and begs me to wonder what happened to the Christian girl with unwavering faith that I used to be?  Did God forget about me?  Or was he ever even there?  All questions I need to explore further.  Maybe I forgot about God.  Maybe the question is the answer.  I do know one thing for sure.....it will take a lifetime to figure all this out.  Maybe I need to take a lesson from the wise old woman I now care for, seize the moments.  Whether they are to play scrabble with a willing opponent, or take a cat nap in the sun while sitting in your favorite chair, take each breath deliberately.  And hope the rest sorts itself out......

I fell flat on my face, now all I have to do is get back up.......

Obviously, I have been bad, bad, bad the past few weeks.  I haven't been posting, which is a huge part of keeping me accountable.  I have eaten what I wanted for the most part.  Drank what I wanted, and gained about 5 lbs in the process.  I am struggling to find motivation right now, and when I start to not care, I just want to eat.  I keep telling myself, I will start again on Monday.  Then Monday rolls around and I change that to Tuesday, and so far the day hasn't come.  I know that I am still a long way from goal, and I want to get there.  I just don't want to have to do the work.  Another aspect of my personality I loathe. 
I get gung ho about something, I fly high for a while, I am always very successful, then I lose motivation and I crash and burn.  I don't want to do that this time.  I know there will be hills as part of this journey and I just need to get up and start walking for the top if I want to see the other side.  Even if it is slow, which it has been, it is worth it.  I am typing that right now, not even sure if I believe it myself.  The other half of me just wants to go for broke and say *&%$ it!  But I guess what they say is true.  Life is less about the destination and more about the journey.  I have learned so much about myself through this.  And I know I CAN do it, and I know I WANT to do it, now all I have to do is DO it.

Life, death, and the bullshit in between......

Last week I was dealing with the death of my Grandma, and not very well.  I feel off the weight loss wagon and landed solidly into a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips, and chocolate, and ice cream.  Basically, whatever food I could get my hands on.  Even with all the progress I have made, food still equates comfort in my brain.  It's just that the comfort isn't quite as comfortable as I remembered.  I felt bloated, heartburn, and just gross.  So today, I decided that I can grieve while I pedal my bike.
I need to switch gears this weekend as we have the wedding of my husband's uncle to attend.  Shopping for an outfit today with my 4 year old son was quite an experience.  He asked me if I knew my legs were huge?  He asked me why we aren't black, after seeing a family not the same color as us at the restaurant where we ate lunch.  He was entertaining, but not as helpful when it came to picking an outfit.  I asked him which of the dresses I tried on was better.  He just looked at me and asked- Do they have a John Deere dress?  Really, what was I thinking trying on that floral number?  I could be rocking the latest in farm fashions.  I decided to make the decision myself and got a cute cream, green, and brown floral motif skirt with a matching little green jacket.  It's cute, summery, and not too dressy.  And, it's about 2 sizes bigger than what I wish I was.
Progress has been slow as of late.  Almost every weekend there is a bbq with brats and beers and beautiful salads and desserts.  I thought winter would be hard, turns out it was pretty easy, and summer is kicking my ass.  I love to eat, love it.  Some days I wish it didn't give me so much pleasure.  I keep telling myself food is fuel, food is fuel.  But I guess my brain or my ass aren't convinced.  With 2 months to my 30th birthday, and a lot more progress I want to make, I am going to have to buckle down.  And run in the other direction when I see a brat........

Dying doesn't scare me, the not living does.......

My Grandma died this morning.  Should I be happy for her that she just keeled over and didn't have to suffer?  Or should I be sad that she died alone?

She was my "spicy" Grandma.  She didn't do Grandma things with me.  We didn't bake cookies, knit, or garden together.  We rode in her cute red convertible with the top down.  We swore, we laughed, we talked.  She didn't take shit from anyone.  She was by far not perfect, but she was perfectly flawed.  And one of the few people in my life who, I believe, truly understood me.  She called me this weekend but I didn't answer the phone.  I was busy in the Dells with my kids at the water park.  It would have been the last time I talked to her, but I didn't answer.  I listened to the voice mail this morning.  It was just random things.  How are you?  I am o.k.  Call me.  I love you.  I pushed 7 to erase literally 15 minutes before my Mom called me to tell me she passed away.  Now I wish I could hear her voice again.

One night we had a conversation about religion and my confusion about my faith.  She laughed and told me even at 67 she was still confused.  She told me I was a good person, and she believed in me.  That eventually, I would figure it out.  I still haven't Grandma.  But, I damn well will keep trying. 

I think she is really the first person close to me, as an adult, that I have lost.  It really puts things perspective for me.  Mortality.  We will all die.  Someday, I will bury my parents.  Someday, my children will bury me.  Tonight, I laid in bed with my beautiful blonde haired son.  He looked peaceful and serene.  As he slept, I stroked his soft hair and held his chubby baby fingers in my hand.  I have peace in my heart when I think of leaving this earth, because I have had love.  All of the pain I had to endure to get here sometimes washes over me, and I have let it consume me at times.  But I have been loved more than hurt.  I have been blessed more than condemned.  My heart is so full of love, laughter, and memories.  If you haven't had so much love in your life that at times you felt like you could burst, find it, and don't let go.

The lessons that my Grandma taught me are that sometimes the best and truest love comes from those you least expect it to.  That even if you make a lifetime of mistakes, you can be saved.  That even the flawed can seek redemption, and can bask in the sun.  That real love transcends life and death.  Rest in peace Grandma.  I hope you get that field full of pansies in the after life. Thanks for the memories.

~"We all die.  The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will." ~

Trying to be the "bigger", but "littler" person.....

People say you need to forgive someone, not for them, but for yourself.  But what if you feel like they are not owed the forgiveness?  What if you feel like that by forgiving you are saying that their behavior was somehow o.k.?  Or you somehow accept it?  What if you cause someone irreparable damage?  What do you owe that person?  Can you put a price on the human psyche?  Soul, mind, breath, and life.

I am stuck somewhere between half assed, and maybe sane.  A daily struggle against myself.  And who should I thank for that?  People that too this day refuse to see the error of their ways, refuse to apologize, or acknowledge.  People who exist only in their own little bubble of themselves.  I will spend the rest of my life sorting through the pieces they gave me.  Pieces I have been sorting now for almost 30 years, slowly gluing  back together, trying to make myself whole again.  I have come to accept that I am an adult now, that I have the control, I have the way and the means.  I have to be better.  But deep down, when I look over the scars, the cracks, I can't help but wonder how things might have been different.

Would I be as strong today, if I hadn't had to scratch and crawl my way up from the bottom?  Would I appreciate things as much?  Would I laugh as loud or breathe as deep?  Would I stand my ground and speak my mind?  The confusion kills me.  Maybe instead I should be thanking them, for making me a fighter.  For making me stronger than I ever thought I could be.  That by forcing me to dwell in darkness, I got out to seek the light.  Maybe they will never find theirs.  I keep praying for the peace to come.  I long for the inner peace, that will lighten me, and allow me to drop the load I carry.  Why do I carry their sins on my back?  In hopes that by seeing my burden they will someday see the despair they have caused.  But, in reality, it just makes me tired.  Sad, hopeless, and completely devastated.  It leaves me waiting for a day that will probably never come......

So many things to look forward to....

What a difference a few months makes.  I was probably feeling the worst I had in a long time in January.  Now, here we are in the end of April and I am feeling the best I have in a long time.  The sun is shining, the birds are singing.  I love the hum of a lawn mower running and the smell of fresh cut grass.  Jeremiah's Uncle Alan bought the hardware store in town, and I am looking forward to their greenhouse opening on May 1st.  I can support a local business and get all my flowers for my planters.  I love the smell of tomato plants, and that sticky feeling you get on your hands after you plant petunias.  I love lying in the grass on a blanket, looking up at the fluffy clouds with Landon.  Listening while he tells me of all the shapes and animals he can imagine them into.  I love driving with the windows down, listening to my kids sing along with the radio, even if they don't know half of the words.  I love snuggling the baby and all his slobbery kisses.  I even love changing his diaper because he laughs and yells NA NA NA NA NA NA!!  I love when my Husband comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist and kisses me on the back of the neck.  I love watching my dogs play and roll around in the grass, sometimes I join them.  I love the looks on my kids faces in campfire light, as they bite into smores.  I love long walks with a good friend, and family bike rides. It's nice to not just say it, but really feel it, that for the first time in a long time I am in love with life again.  AWESOME.......

The Eighties Called.......

They want all their shitty, neon colored clothes back.  Oh, and don't forget the leg warmers!

Life Suckers.....

I know far too many of them.  You know those people.....the ones who can never be happy for anyone.  They can never give a compliment.  They can never just let you be.  They can never drop the wall of self righteous bullshit they have built around themselves.  They have to be there to suck the life and any little sense of happiness or accomplishment you get out of everything.  This never becomes more apparent than when you start to lose weight or try to better your life.  Why do people have to push their insecurities onto others to make themselves feel better?  I was okay to hang out with when I was fat, but now I might just be looking a little too good.  Then you have the doubters, the ones who tell everyone you know that they don't believe that you have lost as much as you've said you have.  Or you couldn't possibly have gone on a five mile walk.  WHY?
And why should I care if you believe me or not?  I am doing this for ME, not you!!  I guess if I am not doing what I say I am doing, I will stay fat.  Isn't that what you want anyway?  Seriously, what has to be wrong with you when you root for others to FAIL?  I have always had the type of personality that is outgoing, loud, opinionated.  I have a potty mouth sometimes, and can turn perfectly nice conversations into something totally inappropriate.  But, you know what? I think I am a pretty damn cool, well rounded person.  I am also caring, responsible, and hard working.  I am loyal, loving, and vulnerable.  I know I am not everyone's cup of tea.  So here's a solution for you.  Don't like me? Then bugger off!!
Go sit in you own world of self loathing and self pity, and leave me ALONE.  Don't stand next to me with your sour face just waiting to piss on my picnic.  I feel sorry for you because you will never take the time to enjoy your life because you limit yourself within everyone elses expectations of what you should be.  Go stand in front of someone else and portray your holier than thou attitude, cause I am not buying it.  Unlike you, I know I am not better than anyone else.  And, I only answer to one person, my GOD.  Last time I checked you weren't him.  I am happy that I can be myself. I can laugh at myself. I can act stupid one night, and be responsible the next day.  I will continue to live, laugh, and love just as I am now.  I have had enough self hatred of my own to overcome in my life, I don't need yours.  And, I love being ME.....just me.

Embracing the journey....

This is what I should be doing.  But instead I find myself fighting against it.  I don't think it is intentional.  But really, I don't know.  I spend a lot of my days now constantly questioning myself.  How did I get here?  Why did I let it get this far out of control?  Can this way of living I am trying to embrace possibly be feasible long term?  I spend a lot of time trying to sabotage myself, and then talking myself back out of it.  All along I thought my weight problems were mostly to do with food, turns out the food was the least of my problems.
There have been some colossal discoveries thus far, turns out I really do enjoy life for the most part.  Who knew?  I got so bogged down in the negative, the depression, that I let it steal the joy and take away the things I had passion for.  I love to write, I love to sing, I love to walk, I love to bike, I love to cook (learning healthier ways), I love campfires, I love a good glass of wine, and I love my family.  I love the way I feel after I push through the wall during a tough workout.  I guess, I need to embrace the journey and where exactly the journey is taking me.  Maybe the destination isn't to size 10 jeans.  Maybe the destination is just a kick ass chick, who is healthy in both body and mind, who isn't ever going to be the worlds definition of skinny.  But who am I kidding, I have never fit into any of the boxes society has tried to stuff me into.
So all along it wasn't the food that was screwing me up.  It was the lack of self love and self acceptance I had for myself.  Now, I won't accept being a size 20.  I didn't.  I won't ever accept what I have when improvements can still be made.  Maybe I just need to think long and hard about what I am learning on the journey, slow down, digest.  Accept and move on.  I will have bad days, bad weeks even.  I just can't let the weeks turn to months, the months turn to years.  I never want to go back to that dark, depressing cave I had locked myself into.  Sometimes, I have to take it one minute at a time, and I am okay with that.  Embracing the journey......

Being a Happy Cow.......

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.  Mostly triggered by my own struggles with weight over the years, and also triggered by my lovely sister from another mother, Nina.  I guess Jamie Oliver and the documentary Food, Inc. also had some to do with it too.  I was appalled when I watched the documentary to see the truth about the journey our food goes through.  It looks so unassuming when it is sitting on your plate, when really, most of it is like having a ticking time bomb at the dinner table.  It made me thankful that for the most part, I know directly from whence my food came.  We get our pork and eggs from my father in law.  Our beef is always from someone local. Grass fed, pastured, and happy cows.  We try to raise our own meat chickens, though as of late I have had to purchase elsewhere.  I try then to get my hands on some Amish grown chicken.  We grow most of our own veges in the summer, and freeze and can what we can.


Now, I am by no means a tree hugging, animal rightsy person.  I do however, believe, that we were put here to be good stewards of the land, and rulers over beast.  There is some amount of respect you need to give an animal that is raised to be your food.  I grew up on a dairy farm.  We rotationally grazed, milked about 25-30 cows, they were our family.  Our living, our life.  We had to treat these animals well for them to treat us well.  They were happy, and productive. You really do reap what you sow.  There is a symbiotic relationship that goes back thousands of years between human and earth, human and beast.  American Indians prayed to their Gods for buffalo, prayed for the buffalo, hunted them respectfully and wasted little. So yes, they are here for us to eat them.  Respect what gives up it's life for nourishment of your body.  That is not to be abused, fed growth hormones, squeezed into a shoot, butchered in the shortest time possible, and thrown onto the American dinner table.

These are animals and plants we use to nourish our bodies, our children's bodies.  You wouldn't feed your kids out of your garbage, would you?  Yet we are essentially doing just that.  But we give this crap cutesy names like chicken nuggets to make us feel better about doing it.  We need to start DEMANDING, not asking, for our government to do better.  We need to start questioning where that food on our plate came from, and what was it's journey?  We need to start supporting our local farmers, these people that are doing it right.  But barely able or unable to make a living because they are being pushed out of the market by greedy corporate giants like Monsanto and their hormone filled crops and animals.  Only we can demand the change that needs to be made.  I know in the scale of things we often feel small, or useless, or unable to change.  This is what these people WANT us to believe, to keep us under control and quiet.  To keep us uneducated, and at their mercy.  It is time to start a revolution in this country.  It is time to take back what it ours.  It's time to go back to basics, in our government, in our kitchens, in our lives. 

I highly recommend the documentary Food, Inc.  and also watch Jamie Oliver's Food revolution to see and ask yourself WHY it takes a man from ENGLAND to come to this country and try to wake us up?
http://www.foodincmovie.com/
http://abc.go.com/shows/jamie-olivers-food-revolution

Getting back to basics....

I am beginning to think that everything that is wrong with our country is everything that we are so proud of.  All the technology.  America, where we can send a man to the moon, talk on our cell phones and drive, and text each other from across the SAME room!!  Am I the only one who sees an issue here?  We are raising a generation of children who won't have lived without a cell phone.  I worked with a girl who was constantly texting and checking her phone.  When I asked her to turn it off, she said it would cause her an anxiety attack.  Seriously.  Checking your phone while doing patient care, if I was the patient I would be pretty disgusted.  When did we become so dependent on these things?  Used to be if you called someone and they didn't answer you left a message, or assumed they weren't home and decided you'd try again later.  God forbid you don't answer your phone or a text now within 30 seconds, people are ready to send out a search party.  Sometimes, I don't even know where my phone is and sometimes I turn it off (gasp).  Sometimes, I don't want to talk to you. 
We are raising our kids to be socially retarded.  How about actually talking to each other, in full sentences?  Not all this text speak.  How about sitting down to a family meal and discussing our days rather than texting your kids from the McDonald's drive through asking what they want for dinner?  Maybe I am old fashioned but I really miss the simple way life used to be.  When I was growing up, there was one fat kid in your class.  Now there is one skinny kid......coincidence?  When you sit on your butt playing video games eating junk 3 meals a day what do you propose would happen?  On summer days when I was a kid my mom literally locked us out of the house.  She fed us, send us out, let us in for lunch, then back out till supper.  And guess what, it encouraged us to be creative.  We built villages of acorn people, made potions of mud and grass, played in the sandbox, jumped rope, rode bikes, went for walks.  We played all day long and had fun.  Now you send kids outside to play they look at you like you have horns growing out of your head.  We need to get back to the basics of family.  When you knew what your kids were doing in school, who their friends were, where they were at all times.  When you sat down to dinner, baked cookies together, went for bike rides.  I feel so close to my family, because I really know them.  I was raised with them, I have spent hours and hours talking and playing and praying with them.  We always knew what each other were feeling, good or bad.  We need to end this disconnect we have and start caring for each other as human beings again, as friends.  So put down the phone, and come on over, sit on my deck with me and let's have a burger.

Political rant.....I really am on a roll.

Today I am veering off point.  We all know I have a fat ass, it is getting smaller.  But this country is going down the shitter fast.  So today I want to focus on that.  Here goes...  Feel free to share comments or de-friend me after reading.

While I don't necessarily agree with the current health care bill I do think that the health care system in this country needs a serious overhaul. I have two kids who have had chronic and ongoing health problems which now render them virtually uninsurable. Is that fair, that a health insurance company can look at their health history and basically turn them down or make it so expensive that I (or them when they reach adulthood) would have to work full time just to pay for health care?

Yet an illegal can come into this country, have themselves an "anchor" baby and get themselves some nice free government subsidized health care, food stamps, etc. Many of them can't speak a lick of English yet they seem to be able to find the line for FREE social services. The whole system is flawed. The whole system needs help. Does anyone else have any better ideas. We are all quick to offer criticism, but does anyone have a good answer? Is doing nothing like our last "President" did better than trying something like our current President? If someone hands you a bowl of shit, it's going to take more than wishing and bitching to make it into chocolate pudding! Give the guy a chance.....

There is no one answer for every single situation. I am not for abortion, I personally for myself could never have one. But do I think that a young girl who was raped or a victim of incest be forced to have a baby? Do I feel that I have the right to tell another adult woman what she should feel or want to do with her body. HELL NO! Or to have the baby that one is totally unprepared for or unable to care for and then add more mouths that will end up in foster care or on food stamps and in the end we end up paying and caring for these kids anyway. The kinds of families that these things kinds of things happen in aren't white picket fences, suburbs, private schools and good health insurance. They are mostly under privileged, undereducated, and poverty stricken. I am not about to tell a scared teenager that was raped or molested that I shouldn't have to pay for her abortion. Who else if going to help her, her crack addicted mother, or the father that raped her?

From the bottom up the system is broken. We have seen the headlines, the stories. In this country every day there are children being raped, abused, going hungry, atrocious situations that if we aren't touched by them we can pretend they aren't going on. But they are happening. And we can send millions of dollars to Haiti, Darfur, Iraq, or wherever else. We can spend our time and non existent resources chasing down ghosts in Afghanistan. We can kill a generation of young men and women that will never contribute to the greater good, fighting a century old religious war that no one will ever win, except GOD. Last I checked we don't even have the money, it's IOU's. Our money is worth nothing. We are in debt up to our eyeballs. I am not saying not to help other countries, but we are in a piss poor place to play world savior. Time to sweep off our porch before marching onto others and demanding they sweep theirs.

We need better education, better health care, better border patrol, better sex education in schools. I could go on and on and on. I know people don't want more government, or government teaching our kids about sex. Or controlling our health care, but in order for that to happen we need more RESPONSIBLE ADULTS to teach their kids, and take care of their business. Sadly, I don't see the easy solution here. Or anything changing drastically anytime soon. Where are the incentives for not being a dead beat drain on society? Maybe those of us that are hard working, bill paying, taking care of our kids should see some rewards. But no, there is nothing for us! So, why would any of these society drains ever change, it is so easy for them to stay the way they are. Hell, why not sit at home and cook meth, sell it to the neighbor kids, and create crime and havoc while the government pays for your health care and groceries? All, while their working class neighbors take the screwing......

Another one down....

Well, since I am still alive and kicking it looks like I have survived my 29th Wisconsin winter.  Let's not say I made it though with flying colors, but I made it.  That is the important thing.  It certainly was a roller coaster.  I always do better the first half rather than the latter.  I think the anticipation and love I have for Christmas keeps me going, but once we past January 1st I hit the downhill slide.  Now that it has warmed, I can get some sun.  Wow, did I miss it.  I also see signs of green, spring bulbs slender stems poking up through the mud.  Just being able to walk outside without putting on 50 lbs worth of clothes......awesome.  I am especially proud of myself because I piled even more adversity on top of the already tough winter months.  I started my journey to a healthier self in January, and in spite of the violent mood swings and bouts of crying was able to lose 21 lbs in the process!  Yay for me!  Yay for all the crazies who survived.  I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life actually.  I turn 30 in August.  I used to dread this birthday, but I am starting to embrace it.  I want to meet it being the best me I have been in a long time!  I am exited to see how this year plays out, lets just pray it plays into my hand.......

For Sale: My glass half empty mentality.......

Seriously, someone come take it.  I'd probably even give it to you.  Why is it always such a struggle for me to focus on the positive?  I try so hard, but Debbie Downer always creeps in and starts giving her two cents!  I hate that aspect of my personality.  So today, I am going to list out some positive things going on in my life.  Then I can come here later and read this after I throw Debbie out.  So, we finally have put our house up for sale and hopefully it will sell and our country dreams can be realized.  Wait, that doesn't sound positive!  It WILL SELL and my country dreams WILL be realized!  LOL!!  After our house sells, we can pay off our car and we will be 100% debt free!!  WHOO HOO!  This year has so far been pretty amazing.  I have adopted a healthier lifestyle for my family, and in the process I have lost 18 lbs.  All of my children's lingering health problems while ongoing are very much under control.  We found an amazing doctor who has helped us turn Sarah's asthma/allergy/skin problems around for the better.  So instead of controlling our lives we have that under control and manageable for the first time in her life.  I have a nice dog and this week we will be adding another puppy to the brood.  It might be crazy for a while but in the long run I will have to nice family pets!  I am living, breathing, and feeling good!  I have a great job as a nanny for my great friends Erica & Brian.  Their kids are great, and I love getting to spend time with them.  It has really fulfilled that mothering needing to be needed thing that I have always had inside of me.  The best part has been watching their little man, Sean.  I have been there from before he arrived to now, watching him grow and learn is awesome.  It really has helped me heal after my tubal pregnancy and subsequent loss.  I have much less stress in my life.  A lot more laughs, and a lot more time to just enjoy it and live in the moment.  I am blessed.  So take that DEBBIE!!

Maintaining my sanity.....

When I started this whole journey a little over a month ago, I wondered if it might lead to a mental breakdown.  So far it has led to moments of temporary insanity, but I haven't been committed to the rubber room yet.  I have learned that sometimes I have to give a little to get a little.  I have been following Weight Watchers pretty religiously but this last 2 weeks I got a little lax.  I guess because I got sick of telling myself no all the time.  Now, I know I don't need Cheetos to survive.  But, I do need Cheetos to keep me from running over pedestrians with my car.  Overall, I always make the better choice.  I have chosen whole grains.  I have chosen smaller portions.  But, I have given in at times.  I have to pick my battles.  And even when I make the not so good choices I still make better ones than I used to.  I counted 32 (1 serving) natural Cheetos into a small bowl so it looked like a lot.  Normally, I would have taken the whole bag and sat in the recliner and mindlessly gnawed my way through 3/4 of it.  They were good, and I tricked myself into thinking it was a lot more.  I bought myself some mini 3 Musketeers bars and put them in the freezer.  It is a lot harder to eat them when they are frozen solid, so I only take out one or two a day when I want something sweet.  I mean is it really realistic to think that I will never eat Cheetos again, or have a beer, or chocolate? Desserts, or anything that is decadent and yummy and artery clogging?  Not for me it isn't.  I would go insane and be depressed.  So I am focusing in on MODERATION-which never had a place in my life.  I am focusing on EXERCISE-which also was a foreign concept to me.  I am focusing in on total body health.  Mental and physical.  I am feeling good, and I am losing weight and becoming a better version of myself.  Slow and steady wins the race.  So, I think that is a more healthy and attainable long term goal for me, and it will save a lot of pedestrians......

If walking is just putting one foot in front of the other.....

Than why is it so hard?  This week I am simply surviving.  I am feeling down and like a failure.  I am not sure why, I know I am doing better than I was two months ago.  Maybe it is this endless winter, maybe it's my raging hormones, maybe it is the utter lack of chocolate in my life.  I don't know exactly what it is, but I wish it would go away. I have slacked on my exercise this week, and I have been lax with my eating.  And surprise, the eating, it didn't make me feel any better.  Not one bit.  Actually, it makes me feel worse.  After I had licked my way through a container of leftover buttercream icing last night, the only thing I felt was a sugar headache and indigestion.  Then I played the blame game.  I yelled at Jeremiah for not taking it away from me, I yelled at myself for not throwing it away a week ago. I tried to blame the kids for not eating it, I mean come on, they usually eat me out of house and home! Then I just felt like an idiot for eating it.  Why do simple Kindergarten concepts escape me? Anna, if you eat too much of something sweet you get a belly ache!  And if you do something, you can try to blame someone else, but it's your fault and your responsibility.  And then I do this. I sit around and think about it, beat myself up, and try to convince myself that I am doomed for life and destined for obesity.  They say that recognition is the first step, so, I recognize the problem.  Now what the hell do I do about it?

Life's simple pleasures....

I have decided that I am adopting a new idea in my life.  As I say that it sounds rather silly, it isn't a new idea.  More of a new, old idea.  When did I stop enjoying my life?  Remember the simple joy of riding on a ferris wheel with your friends?  Or the sweet taste of cotton candy as it melts on your tongue?  Or building a snowman, or just playing?  I can't pin point the exact day it happened, but one day I stopped noticing things, stopped enjoying things.  I guess it was easy enough to do, it happened in small pieces.  First came the baby, the shotgun wedding, the sleep deprivation, then another baby. Then a child's illness, then bills, then layoffs. Then came another baby, another ill child, and late bills.  An ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage, postpartum depression, overwhelming medical debt and STRESS!  So I guess it was easy to get lost in all that, I guess I didn't have much time to go outside and catch snowflakes on my tongue.  Or did I?  And, did I really have it worse than anyone else?  We all have troubles, bad times, and stress.  I guess I just let it get the best of me.  I stopped enjoying life.  Stopped enjoying my husband.  Stopped enjoying my kids.  Stopped enjoying myself.  The only thing I was enjoying was food, and a lot of it.  But I wasn't really enjoying it, I wasn't even really tasting it.  It was just filling my empty days.  So one of the best gifts deciding to take control of my life has given me is vision, and a new perspective.  To see what I really have, slow down, and to enjoy it.  I have 3 beautiful, smart, and fun children.  So they aren't healthy all the time, they survived. They are all alive, and I am thankful to have them.  I have a husband who has put up with me daily for almost 13 years, and believe me, that in itself is a small miracle.  He is responsible, caring, and the best father anyone could ask for.  I love him dearly.  I have a house, a car, and a cute dog.  I have everything I really NEED.  And, I can taste my food again, because now I am more selective and aware of what I am putting my my mouth.  I realized that I really did have the time to go out and catch snowflakes on my tongue, but I was wasting it sitting around eating and feeling sorry for myself.  I am glad that time in my life is over, and I am ready to start enjoying life's simple pleasures again.....

So I am going to Hell....

I was thinking today, yes, amazing. And I am not even sure I should write this, but I shield nothing, so here goes. Am I the only person out there who has a favorite child? I can't be, right? I love all my children. Endlessly, totally, all consuming. But let's face it.....there are people out there in the world that are just easier to love. And I have one of these little people for a child. Pensive, quiet, thoughtful, helpful, and I hate to say it EASY. The other two-challenging, whiny, uncooperative, melodramatic, sassy...UGH!! Maybe when God was hand selecting my offspring, he knew. He knew I needed at least one to help me maintain my sanity. So he gave me a little gift disguised as a quiet, sweet, sensitive girl with soulful eyes. When she laughs her little nose wrinkles up like a cute bunny. And yeah, the other two are beautiful too. I just don't notice it as much when one is telling me she hates me and can't seem to form her mouth into anything resembling a smile, and the other one is screaming at the top of his lungs in his room kicking the wall. So, I know that just for thinking it, much less writing it down, I am sure I am going to Hell....

Loving MY body.....

During this journey, I have come to terms with a few things. One is, let's face it, I am no Gisele Bundchen. God did bless me with some pretty good genetics, but not supermodel good looks. I am no Heidi Klum, I can't pop out a kid one week and walk the Victoria's Secret runway the next. One week after I gave birth I was sitting on a donut in my husbands clothes, with ice packs on my nipples. Not sexy. I will probably never look that good naked. Hello, I gave birth to 3 human beings. The boobs are going south, the belly looks like bread dough, there are a lot of hard earned miles on these tires. So, I have to stand in front of the mirror and look at MY body. Look at the stretch marks, the scars, the bumps and lumps. I have to look at it, take it all in, and love it. It is what it is, I can't change it, nor would I. Every one of those stretch marks reminds me of when I carried my babies inside me. When they moved and kicked, the joy, and the anticipation. My body is basically a map of my life. Every scar tells a story, none that I would take back. So when someone asks me why I am doing this? Who am I trying to impress? Or whatever, you look fine! I just remember that this is about me. It is about loving MYSELF. It is about impressing myself. Many of us take better care of our cars than we do our bodies. Do you put gas in your tank when it is on full? Of course not, so why shove food in your face when you aren't hungry? You go out and wash and vacuum your car, but sit in the recliner and clog up your arteries. So no, I may never stand in front of the mirror and see a supermodel. I may see lines, wrinkles, scars. But what they look like to me is a shrine. A piece of priceless art. A shrine to a life well lived. A shrine to laughter, love, and the power of human spirit. It will be the proof that I can do anything!

My own worst enemy......

I truly am that. I am constantly and consistently putting up my own mental stumbling blocks. One example, this week I have been sick with the flu. So, needless to say I had to put the healthy lifestyle change on the back burner for a few days. I existed on 7-up and crackers....and today now that I feel better I am beating myself up about it. Why? I don't know. I was sick, I know this. But I feel like I should have done better somehow. So when I weigh in this week and the scale isn't where I want it to be I can beat myself up some more. The rational, sane side of me knows this is silly. But the crazy, irrational person side won't let me stop doing it. Even when I have so much support from outside myself, I continue to struggle inside. I know I didn't gain this 75 lbs in a few months, it took me years actually. So why do I expect to lose it in a few months? Those damn mental roadblocks, my own internal failure mechanism. I know I want to succeed so badly, yet I set myself up to fail. Normally, I would shut this internal dialog off by eating. Which in a way distracted me, so I didn't have to listen to it all day. Now, I don't have the option to stuff down those feelings, so I have to deal with them. I guess I haven't developed any new coping skills. Tonight, I am going to go walking with my sister-in-law. Maybe some exercise and some casual conversation will shut that little voice up for a while. If that doesn't work I am going to hire a hit man and have the bitch offed......

Surviving....

It has been a few days since I popped in. The 24 hour stomach bug wreaked havoc in my house over the last few days. I spent a few days cleaning up puke, then it struck me and I spent a day puking. Needless to say, my appetite waned. I didn't even eat enough points the last few days. Usually, I find it hard not to eat over points. I guess I will find out on Saturday if this affected this weeks progress. Today I am living on 7-up and crackers. I made some homemade soup for supper and ate a bowl of that. I am starting to feel better, so I guess it is back on the wagon tomorrow. It really sucks being the mom sometimes. Especially when everyone is sick, and I am sick, and I just want someone to take care of me. Instead, I have to take care of everyone else and neglect myself. It seems then, that it always takes longer for me to recover which makes sense. But I am surviving......

See, it's not that hard! And doesn't it feel good?

No, I am not referring to a porn movie. I am referring to how I feel!! I have to say that I am eating more than I ever have. More of the right things, rather than the wrong. I am not hungry and I made it through the first week of crazy mood swings and cravings. I am finding making better choices is getting easier and I have found ways to take out the guess work. Since I am a creature of habit who also happens to be all about convenience, I bought baked crackers and pointed them out and portioned them into individual baggies for a grab and go snack. I have to make things easy for myself, so I don't have any excuses. I also got some 100 calorie packs of some sweets for when PMS strikes. It is not about will power at all. It is about choices, and if I keep an array of good choices on hand I don't need will power. I thought this would be so hard to do, but I am literally sleeping away pounds!! I can't really believe it myself. I started this journey at 248.6 lbs, and this morning on the scale I was 238.2! That is 10.4 lbs in a little over a week. One of my friends always told me I would lose the weight when I was ready to. I never understood quite what she meant. I do now. I thought I was always ready to. I mean, who wants to be fat? But I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to face the truth, I wasn't ready to do the work, I wasn't ready to admit that I was fat because of me. It was all my doing. I had no excuses to hide behind anymore. So I am not sure exactly what changed, but it hit me hard and sudden. And I was ready. I am in this for the long haul. I may hit walls, I may get frustrated, I may want to quit, but I won't. I am ready.....

Things I don't want to share around the dinner table....

A while ago, my friend (and sister from another mother)Nina, said something I really took to heart. She said that food is what melds families together. For my family in particular this is so true. Every family event we have there is tons of delicious, decadent food. When I first started this journey, that was something I just didn't want to give up. I wanted to have all the family around the table, laughing, talking, and sharing their day surrounded by delicious food. Some of my fondest memories are of my Mom and I in the kitchen. Her teaching me all of her culinary genius. I also remember the sugar, the butter, the creams......OH BOY. Yummy, yes. Healthy, no! What I realize now is we can still have that camaraderie, we can still share in the delicious food. What we don't have to share is our family health history of high blood pressure and cholesterol, obesity, diabetes, and cancer. Now, what if you were sitting at a table full of food and family and someone asked you to "Please pass the cancer.", or "Give me a big scoop of the diabetes". "Or how about a slice of this high blood pressure?" Wow, you might look at all of that food a little differently. What I didn't realize when I started this and that I do now is that all that comfort-it wasn't from the food. It was in the people, the love, the laughter. And those are the things I can still share around the dinner table. The food can be healthy and tasty, but we need to use it as fuel, not comfort. I can still cook with my daughters, and we can learn new habits together. The best gift I can give the faces around my dinner table is a healthy wife and mother, and a promise to stop that evil family health history dead in its tracks. So, will someone please pass the salad......

Proving it to myself.....

This month we have officially gone one full year without charging ANYTHING!! Last year at this time we were up to our eyeballs in debt. We had transferred medical bills to credit cards thinking we could take advantage of the 0% interest rates, but that rate expires after a year and then what? They jack those rates up sky high. We were soon caught in the ugly cycle of minimum payments and never getting anywhere. Soon minimum payments were $900/month and I was working solely to pay minimum payments on credit cards. It sucked, we were both working so hard and getting no where. We had struggled for years playing catch up, just when we got a bit ahead of the ball the car broke down or we got laid off. Finally we made the heart wrenching decision that something drastic needed to be done. After seeking financial advice, it was determined our best bet would probably be just to file bankruptcy. So we consulted a lawyer and began the process. I don't want to say this is a good thing, but in the long run I think it will be. I wish we had made better financial decisions, and I wish we hadn't had a very sick child, or lay-offs, or lemons for vehicles. Wish, wish, wish! All we can do now is try to do better. Last year, when I was challenged not to charge ANYTHING I never thought I would be able to do it. No gas charged, but what if I need groceries and the budget is blown? So, I took a deep breath and we cut those cards up. I learned to shop on a budget. If the grocery budget was blown, we lived on toast and milk and cereal for a week. We survived. We learned to make less trips to save gas, or combine several shopping stops into one. I learned that just because I wanted something didn't mean I needed it. I learned that we could get by on a lot less and be just as happy, even more actually. We spent more time together, we talked more, we played games, did puzzles, and ate more meals at home. Now today reading this, I think "Anna, but this is common sense stuff!" I guess we just got caught up in the instant gratification and if you want it, you need it, you deserve it mentality. But the truth is, I don't need it. And if I want it that bad, I can wait, save, and when I finally do get it I'll be that more appreciative of it. So that is how I am looking at this new healthy lifestyle. I want it, it might take time. It might be hard, but in the end it will be worth it. I will appreciate it more because I did the hard work. I earned it. Hopefully, in one year I can look back and write a blog entry on this weight loss journey. On how I thought I would never be able to do it, but in the end the only person I had to prove it to was myself.

A journey of 1,000 miles.....

Begins with one single step. I had my first real challenge since I started this journey last night. We went out to the bar for karaoke, dancing (activity points) and of course the evil temptation of alcohol. I planned to just drink water all night, but a few minutes in it was clear that the temptation would be too great. So I gave in a little and drank Diet Coke all night. I even turned down free shots!! I was so proud of myself. I busted out some moves on the dance floor and got pretty sweaty, so I am sure I burned some calories. Then came today. My Dad is turning 50 this Friday, so I needed a gift on a super tight budget. So the kids and I made homemade cards. And then I fell back to what I do best......baking. Well, sort of. At Christmas time I had made some turtles which consist of a Rolo melted into a pretzel with a pecan pressed in and drizzled in white chocolate. My Dad had just raved about how yummy they were, so I decided that I would whip up a batch and send them to him in the mail. I am not sure it was the best idea to tempt myself this early in. The good news, not one Rolo entered my mouth. Just a few of the pretzels (not bad, fat free), and a handful of white chocolate chips. I am not going to point them, I already know I blew my points for the day. And the worst part is I wasn't hungry, it was just that mindless eating that I struggle so hard against. Now I feel like shit, but I am not going to beat myself up about a hand full of chocolate chips. One foot in front of the other, tomorrow is a new day, a clean slate. I can do this!!!

Admitting FAILURE.....

Is it just me or have women as a whole been conditioned that admitting failure or weakness is somehow a bad thing? We have to be able to do everything perfect, whether we work or stay home. Get up, go to work, do a great job, come home, have family time, whip up a quick delicious meal, never break a sweat, never lose your cool. Then you need to go to bed, of course have mind blowing life altering sex (gotta keep that man happy), and sleep a few hours and then start all over again. I want to start a new initiative, and I am putting this proposal on the table. Lets use me as an example, I have no shame. I am going to share all the things that make me a "failure" at life. I make sure my kids have what they need the night before so I don't have to get up in the morning and see them off to school. I mean I sort of get up, wander around like a zombie, mumble my good byes, make sure the basics are taken care of (yep, they made it onto the bus) and go back to bed. I like to sleep till 9 or so, and I have a 3 year old who doesn't. So I place him in front of The Backyardigans with a cereal bar and go back to bed. I can supervise with my super duper mom senses. FAILURE. Since I have been unemployed for the last few months I then get up and make a pot of coffee. I consume about 4 cups. Throw in some laundry, cruise Facebook, while the 3 year old plays next to me on the floor. I don't eat breakfast, neither does he, besides the cereal bar and the banana I managed to peel for him. FAILURE. Then we eat lunch, and most of the time after bargaining over eating a sandwich or a cup of goldfish, I give in and say "Eat the damn goldfish!" "Now go take a nap!" FAILURE. Then I get some quiet time when I plan for supper, change laundry, take the dog out, or putz around. If I am really ambitious I might just lay on the couch for a nap. FAILURE. About 3 my kids get home, we do homework, they get a snack (probably more of the DEVIL goldfish), then they park it in front of the t.v. for their hour of entertainment before supper. Then the 3 year old tyrant wakes and and I usually only have to break up 2 screaming matches, and 1 physical altercation, but that's just an average day. I can usually manage not to threaten their lives, and successfully managed to insert the word fricken' into my vocabulary, but won't go as far as to say the F-bomb has never been dropped. FAILURE. I dutifully make supper and cram in what is possibly my first and only meal of the day, so I eat way too much. But what the hell ice cream sounds good too. And I wonder why I am so fat? FAILURE. Now, if I am lucky I might even get to scrub out a pair of dirty undies(let's be honest I throw them away). Fight a 3 year old onto the toilet to poop. He is stubborn, he holds it for days. Bribe him, with chocolate.....hey it works. Then baths, and books, cuddles and kisses. One Zoloft and 6 hours of sleep later we start over again. Now maybe I am insane for admitting all of this. Maybe CPS will be knocking on my door soon. But in all this failure, this chaos, you will find 3 of the most happy well-adjusted children. They are loved, they are fed, they are clean. Life isn't all about perfect hair like a Pantene commercial. It's about a fat mom in sweat pants. It's about dirty faces, and punching your sister in the face when she eats your last gold fish. So rather than call this life a FAILURE, I am adopting a new phrase for it. REALITY. And guess what, I feel much better knowing my kids will have had a healthy dose of reality when they get out into the real world. Then maybe they won't feel like such FAILURES......

Reasons Why?

We get distracted by the dreams of our own, but no body's happy while feeling alone. And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall, we lean another ladder against the wrong wall....

Those are a few of the lyrics of one of my favorite songs. The saddest part of my realization is that I was not happy and I did feel alone even though I was surrounded by love. This Fall I was feeling quite off. I had just lost my job, my husband got laid off, and my life was basically sucking all around. So I looked around at my house....clutter. Mess, tons of things I didn't need and had no meaning in my life. So I purged, I got rid of a lot. If I hadn't seen it, used it, needed it, or thought about it in a year I got rid of it. It was hard. I put things in boxes and took them back out. I even cried. It took me 4 full weeks, but when I was done it felt awesome. Then I settled in to my unemployed life, I went Susy homemaker. I was cooking, baking, cleaning, spending my days folding laundry and reading stories. It was nice for a while, then I started to feel like crap again. This time it took me a little longer to figure out what it was. One day I bent down to pick up my son and I could barely stand back up, my knees were killing me. I had my hubby carry the laundry basket up the stairs for me because it was too much work and I would actually get short of breath. I couldn't get out of the funk, so I looked in the mirror. I looked really hard at myself and it hit me! It literally slapped me across the face. I was as heavy as I have ever been in my ENTIRE life, even 9 months pregnant. I weighed more now than I did the day I gave birth to my 11 pound son!!! Crazy! And when had that happened? All along, I was mindlessly trying to shut up that crazy Susy Homemaker bitch inside me by stuffing my face with chocolate. Not just chocolate, pretty much anything I could get my hands on. She was telling me to bake and eat, who cares if you are fat. You can't do it, you will always be fat. Don't even try, you will give up. But, standing there at the bottom of the sledding hill last week, watching my husband and kids slide down was torture. Because I knew it would be fun to do it, but I could only manage to climb that hill ONCE. I felt like and 80 year old woman. It made me want to cry. It made me angry. It made me say enough is enough. I am not leaning my ladder against another wrong wall!! I am getting my fat ass into gear! I WILL NOT LIVE ANOTHER YEAR OF MY LIFE WITH REGRETS! I am done. In the scale of things life is too short and I want to live the best life I can. So I am telling fat Susy Homemaker to go to hell!! I am going to be hot Susy!! LOL! So that favorite song of mine is called Reasons Why by Nickel Creek...and another one of my favorite lines from that song says:

Standing on a darkened stage, stumbling through the lines. Others have excuses, but I have my reasons why....

The Picture

They say a picture is worth 1,000 words....well this one was worth four. Those four words were OH MY FUCKING GOD! How have I let myself get this fat? So today I made to conscious decision that something has got to change. My knees hurt, my back hurts, my heart hurts. Everything in my body and in my life is telling me it is time to change. The saying I am going to do it is the easy part. The doing it is going to kick my ass. I guess realizing that I am turning 30 this year, I weigh 248 lbs, and I am slowly inching out of my size 18 pants might just be enough to motivate me. I have 3 active healthy kids that want me to climb hills, go biking, go swimming, take walks. I have become the mom that sits at the bottom of the hill because one time up nearly caused me a cardiac arrest. So sad, and I don't want to be sad anymore. I am blogging about this mostly for myself, I need to hold my feet to the fire. So if no one reads this ever, it will be fine. It will also save me the embarrassment of finally admitting that the weight on my drivers license is vastly misleading....GASP!! What I need is support, words on encouragement, and a collective kick in the ass! So if you do read this, comment, chat, share experiences, and be brutally honest. I won't take it personally. In fact, I might just thank you for it.