Embracing the journey....

This is what I should be doing.  But instead I find myself fighting against it.  I don't think it is intentional.  But really, I don't know.  I spend a lot of my days now constantly questioning myself.  How did I get here?  Why did I let it get this far out of control?  Can this way of living I am trying to embrace possibly be feasible long term?  I spend a lot of time trying to sabotage myself, and then talking myself back out of it.  All along I thought my weight problems were mostly to do with food, turns out the food was the least of my problems.
There have been some colossal discoveries thus far, turns out I really do enjoy life for the most part.  Who knew?  I got so bogged down in the negative, the depression, that I let it steal the joy and take away the things I had passion for.  I love to write, I love to sing, I love to walk, I love to bike, I love to cook (learning healthier ways), I love campfires, I love a good glass of wine, and I love my family.  I love the way I feel after I push through the wall during a tough workout.  I guess, I need to embrace the journey and where exactly the journey is taking me.  Maybe the destination isn't to size 10 jeans.  Maybe the destination is just a kick ass chick, who is healthy in both body and mind, who isn't ever going to be the worlds definition of skinny.  But who am I kidding, I have never fit into any of the boxes society has tried to stuff me into.
So all along it wasn't the food that was screwing me up.  It was the lack of self love and self acceptance I had for myself.  Now, I won't accept being a size 20.  I didn't.  I won't ever accept what I have when improvements can still be made.  Maybe I just need to think long and hard about what I am learning on the journey, slow down, digest.  Accept and move on.  I will have bad days, bad weeks even.  I just can't let the weeks turn to months, the months turn to years.  I never want to go back to that dark, depressing cave I had locked myself into.  Sometimes, I have to take it one minute at a time, and I am okay with that.  Embracing the journey......