Reasons Why?

We get distracted by the dreams of our own, but no body's happy while feeling alone. And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall, we lean another ladder against the wrong wall....

Those are a few of the lyrics of one of my favorite songs. The saddest part of my realization is that I was not happy and I did feel alone even though I was surrounded by love. This Fall I was feeling quite off. I had just lost my job, my husband got laid off, and my life was basically sucking all around. So I looked around at my house....clutter. Mess, tons of things I didn't need and had no meaning in my life. So I purged, I got rid of a lot. If I hadn't seen it, used it, needed it, or thought about it in a year I got rid of it. It was hard. I put things in boxes and took them back out. I even cried. It took me 4 full weeks, but when I was done it felt awesome. Then I settled in to my unemployed life, I went Susy homemaker. I was cooking, baking, cleaning, spending my days folding laundry and reading stories. It was nice for a while, then I started to feel like crap again. This time it took me a little longer to figure out what it was. One day I bent down to pick up my son and I could barely stand back up, my knees were killing me. I had my hubby carry the laundry basket up the stairs for me because it was too much work and I would actually get short of breath. I couldn't get out of the funk, so I looked in the mirror. I looked really hard at myself and it hit me! It literally slapped me across the face. I was as heavy as I have ever been in my ENTIRE life, even 9 months pregnant. I weighed more now than I did the day I gave birth to my 11 pound son!!! Crazy! And when had that happened? All along, I was mindlessly trying to shut up that crazy Susy Homemaker bitch inside me by stuffing my face with chocolate. Not just chocolate, pretty much anything I could get my hands on. She was telling me to bake and eat, who cares if you are fat. You can't do it, you will always be fat. Don't even try, you will give up. But, standing there at the bottom of the sledding hill last week, watching my husband and kids slide down was torture. Because I knew it would be fun to do it, but I could only manage to climb that hill ONCE. I felt like and 80 year old woman. It made me want to cry. It made me angry. It made me say enough is enough. I am not leaning my ladder against another wrong wall!! I am getting my fat ass into gear! I WILL NOT LIVE ANOTHER YEAR OF MY LIFE WITH REGRETS! I am done. In the scale of things life is too short and I want to live the best life I can. So I am telling fat Susy Homemaker to go to hell!! I am going to be hot Susy!! LOL! So that favorite song of mine is called Reasons Why by Nickel Creek...and another one of my favorite lines from that song says:

Standing on a darkened stage, stumbling through the lines. Others have excuses, but I have my reasons why....