People say you need to forgive someone, not for them, but for yourself. But what if you feel like they are not owed the forgiveness? What if you feel like that by forgiving you are saying that their behavior was somehow o.k.? Or you somehow accept it? What if you cause someone irreparable damage? What do you owe that person? Can you put a price on the human psyche? Soul, mind, breath, and life.
I am stuck somewhere between half assed, and maybe sane. A daily struggle against myself. And who should I thank for that? People that too this day refuse to see the error of their ways, refuse to apologize, or acknowledge. People who exist only in their own little bubble of themselves. I will spend the rest of my life sorting through the pieces they gave me. Pieces I have been sorting now for almost 30 years, slowly gluing back together, trying to make myself whole again. I have come to accept that I am an adult now, that I have the control, I have the way and the means. I have to be better. But deep down, when I look over the scars, the cracks, I can't help but wonder how things might have been different.
Would I be as strong today, if I hadn't had to scratch and crawl my way up from the bottom? Would I appreciate things as much? Would I laugh as loud or breathe as deep? Would I stand my ground and speak my mind? The confusion kills me. Maybe instead I should be thanking them, for making me a fighter. For making me stronger than I ever thought I could be. That by forcing me to dwell in darkness, I got out to seek the light. Maybe they will never find theirs. I keep praying for the peace to come. I long for the inner peace, that will lighten me, and allow me to drop the load I carry. Why do I carry their sins on my back? In hopes that by seeing my burden they will someday see the despair they have caused. But, in reality, it just makes me tired. Sad, hopeless, and completely devastated. It leaves me waiting for a day that will probably never come......
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