Life happens.....

Wow, seems like it's been forever since I wrote. I have been consumed with myself lately. I am not feeling up to par, so I get lazy and I don't do much of anything much less write. I have for most of my life ridden the roller coaster of my moods, and lately I can't seem to get over the humps so to speak. This winter when things felt really bad, I went to talk therapy and I lasted about 2 sessions. I have done a lot of therapy in my life, and I hate to say this, but I often wonder if it really helps. I hate talking about stuff that is over and done with, analyzing and over thinking everything as I regurgitate it to a therapist. I mean, hell, I do enough over thinking without the therapists help. I have long been opposed to any mood enhancing "meds" but I am starting to think that I have struggled with this long enough. Maybe it is time to say I need the help, and just take it. Perhaps it would lead to the peace I am craving so badly. I would love to go one day without feeling the crippling anxiety, constant mood swings, and overall bad mood that I seem to now have daily. I want to be happy, or at least feel that happiness is attainable. I have so much in my life that should bring me joy, but instead I get bogged down in the negative. I always have a glass half empty. I am so tired of what feels like a daily struggle to crawl out of a hole, I am constantly tired and have no energy. I want to have energy, I want to want to do things. I want to start enjoying life. I think it's about time........

The places we go in dreams.......

I have dreamed several nights in a row of a place I have never been. A place I have never seen, but yet it seemed so utterly familiar to me. I try not to over analyze my dreams, but this one has got me thinking. I am driving in the country on some old gravel roads. It is a hot day, hazy, a day that in itself makes you long for a glass of iced tea and a porch swing. I turn onto a winding stretch of road and I see it. It is an old stone farmhouse with red shutters. There is an old picket fence out front, the gate hanging by one hinge and lazily swinging back in forth in the breeze. There is a lilac bush full of blooms and tell tale signs of a yard that was once loved growing up to weeds. Outside there is an inviting porch, the whole scene is so surreal and beckoning. I pull in the driveway and step out. The house itself is beautiful but haunting, sad almost. The cold contours of the stones and then the bright red shutters, outlined against the green grass and clouds. It's the sort of place you could never find if you didn't know it was there.

I walk up to the porch, it has seen better days. I step up to the door, I turn the knob and step inside. The floors are wood, and inside there is beautiful craftsmanship everywhere. Solid wood trim and a beautiful staircase, obviously painstakingly made, now in desperate need of love. The smell is stale, old, dusty. For some reason though, I find it delicious and familiar. I walk through the house, and notice tiny things. A pair of old white curtains gently swaying through the breeze of a broken window. A claw foot tub, sitting perfectly regal, yet on a half rotted floor. A cast iron kitchen sink, with a red rust stain at the bottom. I can imagine the people that built this house. The person who lovingly laid the stones, and planed the wood for the floors. The women who tended her gardens, and planted the lovely lilac bushes. I imagine the lilacs on the table, in the room with the white cotton curtains. I imagine a life there, a simple, uncomplicated life. I spend the afternoon on the porch.

So that's the dream. I have now dreamed it several times. Is it that I long to be lost where no one can find me? Do I long for long summer days of iced tea, lilacs, and clean white cotton curtains? And what is the significance of the red shutters. Is it that even though I long for these simple, uncomplicated things I still need that punch of red to spice things up? This dream has really got me thinking......

So you just had to be a smart ass, didn't you?

My plan was to give 2 weeks notice at my old job, and I really tried to. I just can't keep a level head. When I tried to give the notice, my supervisor pissed me off by making some really snide and rude comments. Then, of course, I lost my cool and told her that since no one seemed to care to much anyway, that night would be my last. Hmmm, little did I know how ruthless they would be, they decided later to tell me that since I didn't give proper notice that they now refuse to pay out the remainder of my vacation time. Of course, I don't have a leg to stand on, they are not legally bound to pay it and I can't afford to fight them. So I screwed myself there, which I suspect, was their goal all along. The next day my husband came home with a piece of paper stating he was laid off. GO FIGURE!! Nothing can ever just go right and keep going, I have to always get one good ass kicking after another. They are telling him he will be called back by July, but I am not holding my breath. Of course, they laid him off 3 days before the end of the month and his benefits end the last day of the month of layoff. Of course, we could continue to pay COBRA-but since that is more than we even make in a month with us both working it's not really a feasible option.
So we have basically nothing in savings, and I have 2 weeks before I will see my first paycheck. He has filed his unemployment claim, so we will see if we can rob Peter to pay Paul this month and pray he gets called back to work next month. Since we are already planning on filing for bankruptcy, I refuse to pick up a credit card and put that in jeopardy. If he doesn't get called back in July, we will be back to square one and right back where we were 2 years ago!! God, it is so frustrating that after 10 years of marriage rather than things getting easier, they progressively get worse. Just when I think I have hit bottom, I bounce! Hit after hit is getting really tiring......

The rantings of a crazed lunatic......

One of my artistic outlets has always been the lost art of poetry. I have had a few published, unfortunately they have yet to make me rich. But what the hell, writing keeps me partially sane and off the pills. LOL!! So when I have no witty banter rolling off the top of my head, I will drop a poem on here from time to time. They are mostly dark or depressing, because that is when I write. So here goes.....

BEAUTIFUL POISON

Beautiful poison, dripping down your face
But I can't help myself, I just want to taste
Beautiful sweetness, like sugar to a fly
Knowing it will kill you, but not caring why
Beautiful surrender, two bodies molding one
One becomes the other and the moon obscures the sun
Beautiful liar, your words can cut deep
I wish I could be you, and know how you sleep
Beautiful angel, you win in the end
Everyone loves you, and you keep all your friends
Beautiful poison, it took just one drop
I thought I'd be better, but now know I'm not

So, I got the job............

I got the call on Tuesday morning that I got the job! I guess persistence pays off, since I interviewed in just about every department before getting an offer. When she asked if I wanted to think about it before I accepted, it was a resounding NO!! I took the job, and promptly went in to work to give my notice. I must be a fan of burning bridges, because I didn't give two weeks notice. I simply said that tonight would be my last night. And SURPRISE, no one really seemed to care too much. All I ever got was a royal screwing from them, so I don't really feel bad giving one back. And as far as burning that bridge, I wouldn't go back there for a million dollars anyway. They can keep their low paying, high stress, unappreciated job. Hopefully, I am on to bigger and better things. So, I am not so secretly hoping that I love this new job. Even if I don't, the simple fact that I am getting paid at least $2 dollars an hour more and much better benefits more should pacify me enough to muddle through. I also got a free puppy, so my week is looking up. A new job and a cute puppy to love, what more could a girl ask for?

Waiting........

I interviewed for a job last Thursday. It went really well (at least I thought so). As of right now I know they are checking my references and hopefully I will be getting a call soon to tell me I got the job. I really suck at waiting, I hate it. I was so anxious with the build up of the interview, then having the interview, and now I am just kind of sitting here like UGH. I guess I should be happy to have a job in the meantime, even if it is a job I utterly loath. I think, in a way, I am looking at getting this job as some sort of turning point or sign. After all the crap that has happened in the past year, I am just looking for something to pull me back up to my feet. The truth is, I might not even like this job any better than the one I have now. I have the terrible tendency to always build things up in my head and lead myself to disappointment. I just NEED to get this job, in a way to prove to myself that I won't always be stuck. Stuck here, where I am in SUCKOVILLE. But, the sad truth is the best job for me is no job at all. I would love to go back to the days of being a stay at home mom. I feel like I never see my kids when I work, especially when school is in session and I work 2nd shift. I can go days without seeing my girls or my husband. So far we have been working this opposite shift schedule for 2 years, and it has saved us money on childcare no doubt. Which, I suppose, is the whole point. I suppose I should be happy that the kids come home to a parent rather than a babysitter or an empty house. It just makes me sad that I feel so out of the loop. I know though, that what feels right to me are the traditional Mom/Dad roles. Dad bringing home the bacon, and Mom cooking it. I don't mind carrying on these stereotypes, because truthfully I was much happier cooking the supper. Being here and present for my kids when they got home, helping with homework. Knowing who has what and where, I know absolutely none of that now. It makes me sad that as much as I want to be there, I can't. Financially there is just no way possible that I could not work, and I think it looks like nothing will be changing substantially in the near future. So I need to come to terms with my not so new reality, I AM A WORKING MOM. So, I really do want this job. I need the change and new challenges. I need the better pay and benefits, and I need to know that I CAN DO THIS. I need to know things are looking up, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and this time it isn't a train coming towards me. So here I sit hoping and waiting...

Do good deeds go unrewarded?

Sometimes I feel like I am climbing uphill with no chance of ever reaching the top. I am not a complainer, I really try not to be. I know there are people who have it far worse than me. I just can't help but wish for once to get the lucky break. Do you know someone who no matter what happens in life they always land on their feet? They don't deserve it, they don't work for it, they do nothing yet somehow they just always get what they need? It's the most frustrating thing in the world to sit and watch this person. To know that every day I white knuckle my way through 12 hours, barely hanging on. I literally bust my ass caring for sick people, really sick helpless people. I don't even make enough to pay my bills. I reach one tiny goal only to have the rug pulled out from under me, while this person is waving from the beach-martini in hand. I can swim forever and never get there. ( A little joke, but that's what it feels like.) Maybe this is God's cruel joke on me. My lesson in life. He gives me someone close to me and makes them every single thing I can't really stand about humanity. God, who loves me(I am reminding myself) gives me this person, to frustrate and test me every day. I guess my lesson is to figure out why? No matter what I will never understand that way of living. Yes, I guess it would be easier. Maybe, for one day, it would be nice just to skate by doing the least possible, to accept all the help I can get from others. Play the helpless victim in distress, just to see what I can get done FOR me. To just take,take, take and never give or give a damn about the people that I am using up in the process. But I know I could never do it-I could never be that person. So I guess I will continue to work hard, pray, and white knuckle my way through life. I will hope against hope that adversity does actually build character. If that is the case than I will be the most wealthy......

Mother's Day

The day I had my daughter, life as I knew it changed. I was 19, and some would say, too young to have a baby. The funny thing is for me, I needed her to feel normalcy. I grew up in house full of people, with me being the eldest of five siblings. I was always taking care of someone. The youngest, my brother C, is 9 years younger than me. He was my own version of a real life baby doll. When I moved out and moved on, he was devastated. I think I was too. I was lost and it just didn't feel "normal" without someone to take care of. So I got pregnant. To say it was planned would be a stretch, but to say I didn't know what might happen would be a lie. I had been dating M for almost a year when I found out. I didn't know what would happen with us necessarily, but I knew for some reason no matter what happened I would be fine. Lucky for us, M was down for the ride too. We got married when I was 6 months pregnant. I guess you could say the rest is history. It has been an amazing journey this past 10 years. It hasn't always been beautiful, some years have been downright ugly. But even today, when the outlook isn't the best, I can say one thing. I have 3 of life's greatest accomplishments plopped on my couch right now watching a movie. My life would be so less meaningful without them. I don't know what you do in life without a family. I take comfort in the fact that when everything else falls away, they will still remain constant. As we age, I think we care less and less about the silly things in life. Money, vanity, possessions and all the other foolish things we are chasing after all our lives. They will mean nothing when you are older, when you are sick, when you are leaving this world. I think it then becomes less about what we can hold in our hands and more about what we can hold in our hearts. I am very cynical about the world, but this one thing I do hold in comfort. My heart will always be full. Full of life, of love, and of laughter.

Swine Flu?

I hate the media. We are in such new territory as far as how the news is involved in our lives. With all the new technology, it seems we are living in an instantaneous and up-to-date minute-by-minute world. If you blink you might miss something. So as if we don't have enough to worry about with our failing economy, now we need to worry about some exotic flu pandemic. The media loves to use big worlds like "pandemic" to scare the crap out of people. So soon we are all rushing out to the grocery store and stocking up on masks, canned goods, bottled water and duct tape. WTF, really? I mean really? If there really was a global pandemic of some disease-does anyone really think bottled water and duct tape is going to save their stupid asses? I think they will find you dead with all your windows duct taped shut! The definition of pandemic: A pandemic is an epidemic of infectious disease that spreads through populations across a large region; for instance a continent, or even worldwide.
Is there a swine flu pandemic? No absolutely there is NOT. The insanely funny thing is that far more people die every year from what we all think of as "regular" influenza. There are 20-50 million people diagnosed with it per year, as many as 150,000 hospitalizations. Depending on the year 30,000-50,000 people die from it. I take care of elderly population for a living and I would say in a bad flu season that 50% of them die of it or complications regarding it. Why isn't this all over the news? Oh, I know, is it because it won't sell papers? Or cause mass hysteria, or sell stores out of canned goods? Tonight, I will sleep soundly knowing that I have far more important things to worry about than swine flu. Does anyone remember all the hype about bird flu a few years ago? Wonder what happened to that? It fizzled out just like this will. But if for some reason, possibly in some case of cosmic justice, I do come down with the swine flu I will eat every word of this blog. You will of course find me dead at home with my mask on, a can of green beans in one hand, a bottle of water in the other, and all my windows duct taped shut. LMAO!!

To dog or not to dog? That is the question...

So at Christmas time we got the kids a chocolate lab puppy. It seemed like a good idea at the time. She was a beautiful dark chocolate with that utterly delicious puppy smell. She was smart, cute, and quite charming. She was also a huge ball of urine and frustration. As of right now we are not doing the best financially, and she was purebred so we payed a pretty penny for her. Then came the problem, she seemed to be doing well with housebreaking, but she dribbled urine all over. I thought at first it was a submissive thing, then maybe an excitement thing. But it seemed you couldn't even look at her and she was spraying down the room. We took her to our vet to rule out UTI, and got her a thorough look over. What our vet thought it was is a genetic medical problem that can only be corrected through a costly surgery. A surgery that we quite frankly could not afford. So as heartbreaking as it was we decided to ask the breeder that we got her from to take her back. They would give her a good home and find out what was exactly wrong with her. So she is gone now, and I miss her. I love the thought of having a family dog, but it just has not worked out so well for us. We had Bailey the lab/rot mix that had to go live with my mother in law when her hips got bad(we have too many stairs). She was a great family dog and we had her for many years. I have soft spot in my heart for the mistreated so next we decided to try to adopt a dog. So, then came Emma, the neurotic rat terrier that peed and nipped(she was abused). She eventually died of hepatitis-we had her 2 years. Cinnamon, the puppy mill pug/Boston mix that we could never potty train because of her puppy mill history, we gave her back after a few months of trying. Then Kona, the big urine soaked disappointment. I really want a dog, but I think maybe the God's are trying to tell me something. The truth is I don't miss the dog hair, but I do miss the dog. I miss taking her for walks, I miss her tricks, I miss playing fetch. I miss that unconditional love you can only get from a tail wagging pooch when you walk in the door from a rough day. I miss seeing my son laying on her giving her hugs. He kept filling her water dish days after she was gone. It was heartbreaking. I WANT A DOG!! So what to do?

Reflecting on 10 years of marriage......

What is love? I work in a nursing home where I encounter many love stories. Old men and women that have pictures and stories of a marriage that lasted 50 or 60 years, some even longer. It's funny when you can walk past a room at night and hear the wife harping on the husband to eat his snack, or shut the light off and go to bed. I guess when you are older and sick you want to reflect and relive all the happy moments and when they tell their happy stories, it is touching. But the cynical person in me can't help but wonder and then I feel like asking-How many days did you want to choke the living shit out of each other?? No relationship that lasts 5+ decades can be without its trials, even its moments of pure torture. Those are the stories I would rather hear. Those are the endearing sentiments I want to revel in. I want to know about the hurt, heartache, and the hope. That's what gives me hope. I am starting to realize what keeps people married that long. It's the familiarity, it's crawling in bed each night and having that warm body there. That man that in his sleep puts his feet near yours to keep them warm. He unconsciously rolls over to cuddle you. Waking up and having the smell of him there on his pillow, hours after he has left for work. These things are love, and at least to me the most important parts of love. We are lead to believe growing up that it's kisses that take your breathe away, roses, and diamonds. And sometimes it is. But more often than not it is the sound of my son squealing DADDY as my husband walks in the door from work. The smell of supper cooking, and the sounds of kids fighting. It's walking past my son's bedroom door late at night to see him cuddled up with Daddy in the rocking chair, both asleep. Having the same thought at the exact same time, finishing each others sentences, and laughing at stupid things that only we would understand. These things are love. So yes, some days I want to kill this man I am bonded to for life. But then he makes it so hard to stay mad at him, and this is love. So why would I think that I could get that just anywhere? Silly me, because that's love too. So confusing, surprising, sad, and beautiful all at the same time.

Why can't I.......

I often wonder why I can't just do the things I set out to do. I have a plan when I get up in the morning. Like this past week, I have been planning to spring clean. So I sit and I imagine that I will dust my ceiling fans. I will knock down the cob webs. I will move furniture and vacuum underneath it. That's as far as it gets though. I spend the whole day sitting on the couch imagining I am doing it instead of doing it. Now, in the middle of winter when I was bogged down by my seasonal depression I sort of had a good excuse. Today I just can't come up with one other than I am lazy. I guess as far as houses go, there are messier ones than mine. It really is not that bad, just has the look of a house that is "lived in". I am so jealous of people that have really clean houses. One of my friends told me she just can't relax or sit down when she knows there are things that need to be done. I must be missing this gene, because I can sit and relax right on top of the pile of clothes that needs to be put away. My only comfort is knowing that someday I will want to have people over, and for that I will clean. But until then, the hell with it!

Mom vs. Friend

Navigating the world between being the Mom and being a friend is such a struggle. My daughter's are reaching the age where we need to have sex "talks" and there are a lot of questions. I want them to feel like they can ask me anything, and that I am willing to listen. I want them to feel understood and not feel embarrassed or ashamed. But, I don't want them to feel like I am giving them free reign or permission to do things I don't really approve of. It amazes me how much information, or should I say misinformation kids are receiving from other kids in elementary school. Watching Oprah the other day, I was surprised to see that 1 in 5 kids is having sex by age 14. Apparently oral sex is all the rage, and is actually a common occurrence now in middle school. These things are so scary to hear as a mom to two girls. I can't imagine that in only 4 or 5 precious years they could be faced with pressure to have sex in any form. Things have definitely changed. Hopefully, by opening a dialogue with them and forming a trusting relationship they will feel like they can talk to me. I want them to be armed with information, so when they do make decisions regarding sex they can make informed ones. I am not naive enough to think that just because I tell them not to, that they won't do it anyway. I want them to love and appreciate their bodies, and to empower them by telling them that they have the control.
Now, don't get me wrong. I still struggle with juggling the delicate balance between my urge to say "OH HELL NO!", and biting my tongue and just listening. Luckily, we are only in the beginning stages and I have only been confronted by the most innocent and basic of questions. In a few short years I will have 2 hormone raging, wanting to fit in teenage girls running around. It scares the hell out of me, but I will have some comfort in knowing I have laid the foundation. The ultimate choices are up to them. All I can do is be the guiding hand and the listening ear. I hope that I can love them enough, so they in turn will love themselves. I know from my own experience, that the only way you can have a healthy adult relationship is to love and know yourself first. I think that it is only then that you can fully give yourself in every way to someone else. I can't believe that only a few years ago I was worried about colic and ear infections. Time really goes way too fast........

How do you teach appreciation?

Today was a day. I was trying to catch up on laundry. I was doing school clothes for my girls and was slowly realizing that they were missing a lot of clothes. I searched my house thinking they were folded and misplaced (which wasn't likely and you would know that if you knew my folding habits). I looked everywhere, so as a last resort I marched up to my girl's room to have a look. It looked clean and tidy, but I noticed one of my daughter's bed looked weird, kind of uneven. I picked up the bed skirt to look underneath and about had a heart attack, there was so much stuff piled up under there that the bed was starting to come off the floor. So wouldn't you guess I went over to the other bed and found the same thing. So for all these weeks I was thinking my wonderful daughters were doing such a good job at cleaning their room, boy was I wrong!! I got sooooo mad. I found tons of toys, dirty clothes, and garbage. It was like a mutant rat had moved in. I tore it all out and called them upstairs. The look on their faces was priceless. My younger daughter, let me just tell the truth, she's the narc. Don't ever commit a crime with her, she will rat you out in a second. She started in-It was K's idea...blah, blah, blah. And K was-no it was all S's idea and I had nothing to do with it. I was so mad I could just spit. I didn't think yelling would get my point across so I sent them both downstairs and I told them to get me a few big garbage bags. I started going through everything. I counted 27 barbies, 23 my little ponies, countless babies and accessories, books, dress up junk. Even things new in the box sitting there unplayed with from Christmas.
Due to our current financial situation, seeing all this in front of me knowing it was all barely touched or played with made me very distressed. The fact that these two children of mine don't value these things enough to even pick them up off of the floor, but rather casually stuff them in the corner or under a bed just because they are too lazy to take care of them or pick them up. I was mad, but I looked at that pile of barbies and I held one up. I told the girls: Somewhere there is a little girl with a hungry belly, she probably has nothing to eat tonight and she certainly doesn't have nice clothes or a barbie to play with. She probably doesn't even have shoes or a warm blanket to cover up with at night. But here you two are with 7 blankets laying on the floor and 27 barbies stuffed under your bed. I started crying, and so did they. I think I got my point across. So we are in the process of simplifying. We went through the barbies and I made them pick 5 to keep. The rest go in the bag and we are donating them. The ponies are all going. The unopened things, going. All but one or two of the blankets, going. And I even took down one of the beds, because they were using it to pile things on and sleeping together in the other one. I shared a bed with my sister until the day I moved out, it didn't kill me and it won't kill them. By the time I am done cleaning that room I will probably have 2 or 3 full 30 gallon bags of stuff to donate. It makes me ill that all this time I have spent worrying about if my kids will have enough, that I have taught them so very little. So today that all changes, we will have less so we can appreciate more. All that money spent we could have probably gone on a nice family vacation, but instead it's just stuff that gets stuffed under a bed. I decide today that the best gifts I can give my kids are good memories, memories can't be shoved under the bed. So today they are mad at me, but I hope in the long run that by giving them a little less I will be teaching them a little more.

Wants vs. Needs

A while back, I had somewhat of a nervous breakdown. Well maybe not so much of a nervous breakdown, maybe a realization. I wanted something to change, but didn't know what to do about it or what exactly it was. So I asked people. People important to me, whose opinions I value. They mostly posed the question to me, well A-WHAT DO YOU WANT?? Seems so simple, right? Wrong! I could come up with every single thing I don't want. I could make you a list 100 miles long. But what did I want? So I set out on a little mission to find out what I wanted. I went back to school, got a job, and asked my husband for a divorce. WOW, you say, rash decision. Maybe it was. So I moved out, got my own place. I worked, I did what I WANTED, I went out, I flirted, I drank, I slept in, but then I woke up. You see, I was asleep. Asleep not in the literal sense, but asleep in my own life. I was living and ignoring the sights and sounds of my seemingly ordinary life. I was breathing but not deeply. I was looking but not finding or seeing. I was there but not really. It took just a few weeks of doing what I WANTED to start breathing again, and seeing again. And all of a sudden, the guilt came. What the hell was I doing? I was a wife, a mom. I was an adult, but acting like a spoiled angry child. I had many realizations on my short detour in life. One of the first lessons we learn in life is-you don't always get what you WANT. Or how about you always WANT what you can't have. What is this terrible thing we call WANTING? And that's my biggest realization. It's life. It's living. Living is WANTING. Striving to always be better. And why at the end of my days did I WANT to call my husband, to share my day with him? Why did I watch him with our son and daughters and WANT so badly to tell him maybe I was wrong? And then it came to me. NEED. We all have basic needs, we all know what they are. But my truth was I NEEDED him. I NEEDED him. He is my best friend. The father to our children. The fixer of things. He is not only what I WANTED but what I NEEDED. I hated to admit it. I hated that I NEEDED him. I hated trying to explain this crazy logic of mine to this man who I had abandoned and left so confused. But the funny thing was, that he got it. And he NEEDED me too. And he WANTED me to come back. And the other night when we were in bed I thought he was sleeping, but he rolled over sniffling. I asked him "What are you doing"? He said, "Smelling you". I asked him- "What do I smell like"?? He simply said-"Mine". You see, that's just what I WANTED to hear............