Waiting........

I interviewed for a job last Thursday. It went really well (at least I thought so). As of right now I know they are checking my references and hopefully I will be getting a call soon to tell me I got the job. I really suck at waiting, I hate it. I was so anxious with the build up of the interview, then having the interview, and now I am just kind of sitting here like UGH. I guess I should be happy to have a job in the meantime, even if it is a job I utterly loath. I think, in a way, I am looking at getting this job as some sort of turning point or sign. After all the crap that has happened in the past year, I am just looking for something to pull me back up to my feet. The truth is, I might not even like this job any better than the one I have now. I have the terrible tendency to always build things up in my head and lead myself to disappointment. I just NEED to get this job, in a way to prove to myself that I won't always be stuck. Stuck here, where I am in SUCKOVILLE. But, the sad truth is the best job for me is no job at all. I would love to go back to the days of being a stay at home mom. I feel like I never see my kids when I work, especially when school is in session and I work 2nd shift. I can go days without seeing my girls or my husband. So far we have been working this opposite shift schedule for 2 years, and it has saved us money on childcare no doubt. Which, I suppose, is the whole point. I suppose I should be happy that the kids come home to a parent rather than a babysitter or an empty house. It just makes me sad that I feel so out of the loop. I know though, that what feels right to me are the traditional Mom/Dad roles. Dad bringing home the bacon, and Mom cooking it. I don't mind carrying on these stereotypes, because truthfully I was much happier cooking the supper. Being here and present for my kids when they got home, helping with homework. Knowing who has what and where, I know absolutely none of that now. It makes me sad that as much as I want to be there, I can't. Financially there is just no way possible that I could not work, and I think it looks like nothing will be changing substantially in the near future. So I need to come to terms with my not so new reality, I AM A WORKING MOM. So, I really do want this job. I need the change and new challenges. I need the better pay and benefits, and I need to know that I CAN DO THIS. I need to know things are looking up, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and this time it isn't a train coming towards me. So here I sit hoping and waiting...