Wants vs. Needs

A while back, I had somewhat of a nervous breakdown. Well maybe not so much of a nervous breakdown, maybe a realization. I wanted something to change, but didn't know what to do about it or what exactly it was. So I asked people. People important to me, whose opinions I value. They mostly posed the question to me, well A-WHAT DO YOU WANT?? Seems so simple, right? Wrong! I could come up with every single thing I don't want. I could make you a list 100 miles long. But what did I want? So I set out on a little mission to find out what I wanted. I went back to school, got a job, and asked my husband for a divorce. WOW, you say, rash decision. Maybe it was. So I moved out, got my own place. I worked, I did what I WANTED, I went out, I flirted, I drank, I slept in, but then I woke up. You see, I was asleep. Asleep not in the literal sense, but asleep in my own life. I was living and ignoring the sights and sounds of my seemingly ordinary life. I was breathing but not deeply. I was looking but not finding or seeing. I was there but not really. It took just a few weeks of doing what I WANTED to start breathing again, and seeing again. And all of a sudden, the guilt came. What the hell was I doing? I was a wife, a mom. I was an adult, but acting like a spoiled angry child. I had many realizations on my short detour in life. One of the first lessons we learn in life is-you don't always get what you WANT. Or how about you always WANT what you can't have. What is this terrible thing we call WANTING? And that's my biggest realization. It's life. It's living. Living is WANTING. Striving to always be better. And why at the end of my days did I WANT to call my husband, to share my day with him? Why did I watch him with our son and daughters and WANT so badly to tell him maybe I was wrong? And then it came to me. NEED. We all have basic needs, we all know what they are. But my truth was I NEEDED him. I NEEDED him. He is my best friend. The father to our children. The fixer of things. He is not only what I WANTED but what I NEEDED. I hated to admit it. I hated that I NEEDED him. I hated trying to explain this crazy logic of mine to this man who I had abandoned and left so confused. But the funny thing was, that he got it. And he NEEDED me too. And he WANTED me to come back. And the other night when we were in bed I thought he was sleeping, but he rolled over sniffling. I asked him "What are you doing"? He said, "Smelling you". I asked him- "What do I smell like"?? He simply said-"Mine". You see, that's just what I WANTED to hear............