The new job I have gotten has given me more quiet than I have had in a long time. I spend my days playing scrabble with a 92 year old women, at least until she dozes off, which renders me unable to move in fear that I wake her. So I am left with my thoughts. I have not been sticking to my "food lifestyle plan" as diligently as I had hoped. Let's just say I have really given it the heave-ho. I don't want that, I want to do it. No, I don't. It took me one month to gain back 10 lbs. And that, my friends, is the struggle. My exhausting search for BALANCE. I am either tottering on the edge of despair, or bubbling on the verge of elation. I am either pigging out, or strictly limiting myself. I am neither here nor there, which get's me no where.
I want to enjoy life. I want to laugh, drink, eat, walk my dogs, play scrabble, drink coffee, bake, and nap on rainy days. I want to do these things at appropriate times, feel things in the moment, and then let them go into the universe. Not chew on them until any semblance of flavor is long since made it's exit. Why is it so hard? I find moments. I get fleeting glimpses, then I fall back into the old patterns again. I find success, only to sabotage it. I find happiness, only to question it. And I find food, and I eat it.
So, maybe this break from the healthy lifestyle is needed. Maybe it is a lesson in humility. Maybe it's time to face the fact that this is it, and I can't do it. Or somewhere deep down I really don't want to. I just crave this balance, it's almost a mirage to me. I know it exists and I get close, only to have it disappear as if it was never even there. So what have I learned so far on this journey? I have to say I am more self aware. I have never spent so much time in my own head as I have these past few months. And though, it can be a scary place sometimes, there are really beautiful places too.
I have to say that I am okay with the person I am, maybe not physically, but deep down in my heart I love my personality. I am very confused spiritually though, and that is part of the problem. My inability to connect to anything that requires faith troubles me, and begs me to wonder what happened to the Christian girl with unwavering faith that I used to be? Did God forget about me? Or was he ever even there? All questions I need to explore further. Maybe I forgot about God. Maybe the question is the answer. I do know one thing for sure.....it will take a lifetime to figure all this out. Maybe I need to take a lesson from the wise old woman I now care for, seize the moments. Whether they are to play scrabble with a willing opponent, or take a cat nap in the sun while sitting in your favorite chair, take each breath deliberately. And hope the rest sorts itself out......
1 comments:
that is really profound, Anna! Live your life as a Life of Pleasure. We so often restrict ourselves and trick ourselves into thinking that if it feels good, it must be bad. If it feels bad, it must be good for us. Its a dangerous way of thinking! When we enjoy whatever it is we are enjoying, be it that nap in the favorite chair (one of my favs) or that beer, or summer berries, or talk with a good friend...enjoy and SAVOR every moment. Its these joyous moments that are the spice of our life. It flavors our story. It produces amazing chemical responses in the body that not only make you feel good, but look good. You begin to feel confident; confident and loved so much that it shines out through your gorgeous skin. It is irresistable to everyone around you! The body and the mind are incredibly plastic, meaning we can change them at any time we want. Our bodies are clay, and if you take on the powerful role of sculptor anything is possible. Its a huge task and responsibility, but empowering none the less. Never forget that our outside appearance is in direct correlation with our inner environment. What we think and believe becomes manifest on the outside. It is truly awesome in the most literal sense. You are a beautiful woman with an infectious laugh and wicked ;-) sense of humor. You are beautiful in your own skin; be proud of those curves. Be proud of those marks that tell the story of your life. Its where you have been. When you are 92 someday, somebody is going to want to hear YOUR story and play scrabble with you. What does your story tell?
oh, and God is real...and He does love you unconditionally. Sometimes its hard to see or hear Him. He's subtle and is a big smart ass....kinda like someone else I know;-) Never lose faith; you have not been forgotten.
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