Dying doesn't scare me, the not living does.......

My Grandma died this morning.  Should I be happy for her that she just keeled over and didn't have to suffer?  Or should I be sad that she died alone?

She was my "spicy" Grandma.  She didn't do Grandma things with me.  We didn't bake cookies, knit, or garden together.  We rode in her cute red convertible with the top down.  We swore, we laughed, we talked.  She didn't take shit from anyone.  She was by far not perfect, but she was perfectly flawed.  And one of the few people in my life who, I believe, truly understood me.  She called me this weekend but I didn't answer the phone.  I was busy in the Dells with my kids at the water park.  It would have been the last time I talked to her, but I didn't answer.  I listened to the voice mail this morning.  It was just random things.  How are you?  I am o.k.  Call me.  I love you.  I pushed 7 to erase literally 15 minutes before my Mom called me to tell me she passed away.  Now I wish I could hear her voice again.

One night we had a conversation about religion and my confusion about my faith.  She laughed and told me even at 67 she was still confused.  She told me I was a good person, and she believed in me.  That eventually, I would figure it out.  I still haven't Grandma.  But, I damn well will keep trying. 

I think she is really the first person close to me, as an adult, that I have lost.  It really puts things perspective for me.  Mortality.  We will all die.  Someday, I will bury my parents.  Someday, my children will bury me.  Tonight, I laid in bed with my beautiful blonde haired son.  He looked peaceful and serene.  As he slept, I stroked his soft hair and held his chubby baby fingers in my hand.  I have peace in my heart when I think of leaving this earth, because I have had love.  All of the pain I had to endure to get here sometimes washes over me, and I have let it consume me at times.  But I have been loved more than hurt.  I have been blessed more than condemned.  My heart is so full of love, laughter, and memories.  If you haven't had so much love in your life that at times you felt like you could burst, find it, and don't let go.

The lessons that my Grandma taught me are that sometimes the best and truest love comes from those you least expect it to.  That even if you make a lifetime of mistakes, you can be saved.  That even the flawed can seek redemption, and can bask in the sun.  That real love transcends life and death.  Rest in peace Grandma.  I hope you get that field full of pansies in the after life. Thanks for the memories.

~"We all die.  The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will." ~