Monday, April 26, 2010

So many things to look forward to....



What a difference a few months makes.  I was probably feeling the worst I had in a long time in January.  Now, here we are in the end of April and I am feeling the best I have in a long time.  The sun is shining, the birds are singing.  I love the hum of a lawn mower running and the smell of fresh cut grass.  Jeremiah's Uncle Alan bought the hardware store in town, and I am looking forward to their greenhouse opening on May 1st.  I can support a local business and get all my flowers for my planters.  I love the smell of tomato plants, and that sticky feeling you get on your hands after you plant petunias.  I love lying in the grass on a blanket, looking up at the fluffy clouds with Landon.  Listening while he tells me of all the shapes and animals he can imagine them into.  I love driving with the windows down, listening to my kids sing along with the radio, even if they don't know half of the words.  I love snuggling the baby and all his slobbery kisses.  I even love changing his diaper because he laughs and yells NA NA NA NA NA NA!!  I love when my Husband comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist and kisses me on the back of the neck.  I love watching my dogs play and roll around in the grass, sometimes I join them.  I love the looks on my kids faces in campfire light, as they bite into smores.  I love long walks with a good friend, and family bike rides. It's nice to not just say it, but really feel it, that for the first time in a long time I am in love with life again.  AWESOME.......

Friday, April 23, 2010

The Eighties Called.......

They want all their shitty, neon colored clothes back.  Oh, and don't forget the leg warmers!

Monday, April 19, 2010

Life Suckers.....



I know far too many of them.  You know those people.....the ones who can never be happy for anyone.  They can never give a compliment.  They can never just let you be.  They can never drop the wall of self righteous bullshit they have built around themselves.  They have to be there to suck the life and any little sense of happiness or accomplishment you get out of everything.  This never becomes more apparent than when you start to lose weight or try to better your life.  Why do people have to push their insecurities onto others to make themselves feel better?  I was okay to hang out with when I was fat, but now I might just be looking a little too good.  Then you have the doubters, the ones who tell everyone you know that they don't believe that you have lost as much as you've said you have.  Or you couldn't possibly have gone on a five mile walk.  WHY?
And why should I care if you believe me or not?  I am doing this for ME, not you!!  I guess if I am not doing what I say I am doing, I will stay fat.  Isn't that what you want anyway?  Seriously, what has to be wrong with you when you root for others to FAIL?  I have always had the type of personality that is outgoing, loud, opinionated.  I have a potty mouth sometimes, and can turn perfectly nice conversations into something totally inappropriate.  But, you know what? I think I am a pretty damn cool, well rounded person.  I am also caring, responsible, and hard working.  I am loyal, loving, and vulnerable.  I know I am not everyone's cup of tea.  So here's a solution for you.  Don't like me? Then bugger off!!
Go sit in you own world of self loathing and self pity, and leave me ALONE.  Don't stand next to me with your sour face just waiting to piss on my picnic.  I feel sorry for you because you will never take the time to enjoy your life because you limit yourself within everyone elses expectations of what you should be.  Go stand in front of someone else and portray your holier than thou attitude, cause I am not buying it.  Unlike you, I know I am not better than anyone else.  And, I only answer to one person, my GOD.  Last time I checked you weren't him.  I am happy that I can be myself. I can laugh at myself. I can act stupid one night, and be responsible the next day.  I will continue to live, laugh, and love just as I am now.  I have had enough self hatred of my own to overcome in my life, I don't need yours.  And, I love being ME.....just me.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Embracing the journey....



This is what I should be doing.  But instead I find myself fighting against it.  I don't think it is intentional.  But really, I don't know.  I spend a lot of my days now constantly questioning myself.  How did I get here?  Why did I let it get this far out of control?  Can this way of living I am trying to embrace possibly be feasible long term?  I spend a lot of time trying to sabotage myself, and then talking myself back out of it.  All along I thought my weight problems were mostly to do with food, turns out the food was the least of my problems.
There have been some colossal discoveries thus far, turns out I really do enjoy life for the most part.  Who knew?  I got so bogged down in the negative, the depression, that I let it steal the joy and take away the things I had passion for.  I love to write, I love to sing, I love to walk, I love to bike, I love to cook (learning healthier ways), I love campfires, I love a good glass of wine, and I love my family.  I love the way I feel after I push through the wall during a tough workout.  I guess, I need to embrace the journey and where exactly the journey is taking me.  Maybe the destination isn't to size 10 jeans.  Maybe the destination is just a kick ass chick, who is healthy in both body and mind, who isn't ever going to be the worlds definition of skinny.  But who am I kidding, I have never fit into any of the boxes society has tried to stuff me into.
So all along it wasn't the food that was screwing me up.  It was the lack of self love and self acceptance I had for myself.  Now, I won't accept being a size 20.  I didn't.  I won't ever accept what I have when improvements can still be made.  Maybe I just need to think long and hard about what I am learning on the journey, slow down, digest.  Accept and move on.  I will have bad days, bad weeks even.  I just can't let the weeks turn to months, the months turn to years.  I never want to go back to that dark, depressing cave I had locked myself into.  Sometimes, I have to take it one minute at a time, and I am okay with that.  Embracing the journey......

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Being a Happy Cow.......



I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.  Mostly triggered by my own struggles with weight over the years, and also triggered by my lovely sister from another mother, Nina.  I guess Jamie Oliver and the documentary Food, Inc. also had some to do with it too.  I was appalled when I watched the documentary to see the truth about the journey our food goes through.  It looks so unassuming when it is sitting on your plate, when really, most of it is like having a ticking time bomb at the dinner table.  It made me thankful that for the most part, I know directly from whence my food came.  We get our pork and eggs from my father in law.  Our beef is always from someone local. Grass fed, pastured, and happy cows.  We try to raise our own meat chickens, though as of late I have had to purchase elsewhere.  I try then to get my hands on some Amish grown chicken.  We grow most of our own veges in the summer, and freeze and can what we can.


Now, I am by no means a tree hugging, animal rightsy person.  I do however, believe, that we were put here to be good stewards of the land, and rulers over beast.  There is some amount of respect you need to give an animal that is raised to be your food.  I grew up on a dairy farm.  We rotationally grazed, milked about 25-30 cows, they were our family.  Our living, our life.  We had to treat these animals well for them to treat us well.  They were happy, and productive. You really do reap what you sow.  There is a symbiotic relationship that goes back thousands of years between human and earth, human and beast.  American Indians prayed to their Gods for buffalo, prayed for the buffalo, hunted them respectfully and wasted little. So yes, they are here for us to eat them.  Respect what gives up it's life for nourishment of your body.  That is not to be abused, fed growth hormones, squeezed into a shoot, butchered in the shortest time possible, and thrown onto the American dinner table.

These are animals and plants we use to nourish our bodies, our children's bodies.  You wouldn't feed your kids out of your garbage, would you?  Yet we are essentially doing just that.  But we give this crap cutesy names like chicken nuggets to make us feel better about doing it.  We need to start DEMANDING, not asking, for our government to do better.  We need to start questioning where that food on our plate came from, and what was it's journey?  We need to start supporting our local farmers, these people that are doing it right.  But barely able or unable to make a living because they are being pushed out of the market by greedy corporate giants like Monsanto and their hormone filled crops and animals.  Only we can demand the change that needs to be made.  I know in the scale of things we often feel small, or useless, or unable to change.  This is what these people WANT us to believe, to keep us under control and quiet.  To keep us uneducated, and at their mercy.  It is time to start a revolution in this country.  It is time to take back what it ours.  It's time to go back to basics, in our government, in our kitchens, in our lives. 

I highly recommend the documentary Food, Inc.  and also watch Jamie Oliver's Food revolution to see and ask yourself WHY it takes a man from ENGLAND to come to this country and try to wake us up?
http://www.foodincmovie.com/
http://abc.go.com/shows/jamie-olivers-food-revolution