Maintaining my sanity.....

When I started this whole journey a little over a month ago, I wondered if it might lead to a mental breakdown.  So far it has led to moments of temporary insanity, but I haven't been committed to the rubber room yet.  I have learned that sometimes I have to give a little to get a little.  I have been following Weight Watchers pretty religiously but this last 2 weeks I got a little lax.  I guess because I got sick of telling myself no all the time.  Now, I know I don't need Cheetos to survive.  But, I do need Cheetos to keep me from running over pedestrians with my car.  Overall, I always make the better choice.  I have chosen whole grains.  I have chosen smaller portions.  But, I have given in at times.  I have to pick my battles.  And even when I make the not so good choices I still make better ones than I used to.  I counted 32 (1 serving) natural Cheetos into a small bowl so it looked like a lot.  Normally, I would have taken the whole bag and sat in the recliner and mindlessly gnawed my way through 3/4 of it.  They were good, and I tricked myself into thinking it was a lot more.  I bought myself some mini 3 Musketeers bars and put them in the freezer.  It is a lot harder to eat them when they are frozen solid, so I only take out one or two a day when I want something sweet.  I mean is it really realistic to think that I will never eat Cheetos again, or have a beer, or chocolate? Desserts, or anything that is decadent and yummy and artery clogging?  Not for me it isn't.  I would go insane and be depressed.  So I am focusing in on MODERATION-which never had a place in my life.  I am focusing on EXERCISE-which also was a foreign concept to me.  I am focusing in on total body health.  Mental and physical.  I am feeling good, and I am losing weight and becoming a better version of myself.  Slow and steady wins the race.  So, I think that is a more healthy and attainable long term goal for me, and it will save a lot of pedestrians......

If walking is just putting one foot in front of the other.....

Than why is it so hard?  This week I am simply surviving.  I am feeling down and like a failure.  I am not sure why, I know I am doing better than I was two months ago.  Maybe it is this endless winter, maybe it's my raging hormones, maybe it is the utter lack of chocolate in my life.  I don't know exactly what it is, but I wish it would go away. I have slacked on my exercise this week, and I have been lax with my eating.  And surprise, the eating, it didn't make me feel any better.  Not one bit.  Actually, it makes me feel worse.  After I had licked my way through a container of leftover buttercream icing last night, the only thing I felt was a sugar headache and indigestion.  Then I played the blame game.  I yelled at Jeremiah for not taking it away from me, I yelled at myself for not throwing it away a week ago. I tried to blame the kids for not eating it, I mean come on, they usually eat me out of house and home! Then I just felt like an idiot for eating it.  Why do simple Kindergarten concepts escape me? Anna, if you eat too much of something sweet you get a belly ache!  And if you do something, you can try to blame someone else, but it's your fault and your responsibility.  And then I do this. I sit around and think about it, beat myself up, and try to convince myself that I am doomed for life and destined for obesity.  They say that recognition is the first step, so, I recognize the problem.  Now what the hell do I do about it?

Life's simple pleasures....

I have decided that I am adopting a new idea in my life.  As I say that it sounds rather silly, it isn't a new idea.  More of a new, old idea.  When did I stop enjoying my life?  Remember the simple joy of riding on a ferris wheel with your friends?  Or the sweet taste of cotton candy as it melts on your tongue?  Or building a snowman, or just playing?  I can't pin point the exact day it happened, but one day I stopped noticing things, stopped enjoying things.  I guess it was easy enough to do, it happened in small pieces.  First came the baby, the shotgun wedding, the sleep deprivation, then another baby. Then a child's illness, then bills, then layoffs. Then came another baby, another ill child, and late bills.  An ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage, postpartum depression, overwhelming medical debt and STRESS!  So I guess it was easy to get lost in all that, I guess I didn't have much time to go outside and catch snowflakes on my tongue.  Or did I?  And, did I really have it worse than anyone else?  We all have troubles, bad times, and stress.  I guess I just let it get the best of me.  I stopped enjoying life.  Stopped enjoying my husband.  Stopped enjoying my kids.  Stopped enjoying myself.  The only thing I was enjoying was food, and a lot of it.  But I wasn't really enjoying it, I wasn't even really tasting it.  It was just filling my empty days.  So one of the best gifts deciding to take control of my life has given me is vision, and a new perspective.  To see what I really have, slow down, and to enjoy it.  I have 3 beautiful, smart, and fun children.  So they aren't healthy all the time, they survived. They are all alive, and I am thankful to have them.  I have a husband who has put up with me daily for almost 13 years, and believe me, that in itself is a small miracle.  He is responsible, caring, and the best father anyone could ask for.  I love him dearly.  I have a house, a car, and a cute dog.  I have everything I really NEED.  And, I can taste my food again, because now I am more selective and aware of what I am putting my my mouth.  I realized that I really did have the time to go out and catch snowflakes on my tongue, but I was wasting it sitting around eating and feeling sorry for myself.  I am glad that time in my life is over, and I am ready to start enjoying life's simple pleasures again.....

So I am going to Hell....

I was thinking today, yes, amazing. And I am not even sure I should write this, but I shield nothing, so here goes. Am I the only person out there who has a favorite child? I can't be, right? I love all my children. Endlessly, totally, all consuming. But let's face it.....there are people out there in the world that are just easier to love. And I have one of these little people for a child. Pensive, quiet, thoughtful, helpful, and I hate to say it EASY. The other two-challenging, whiny, uncooperative, melodramatic, sassy...UGH!! Maybe when God was hand selecting my offspring, he knew. He knew I needed at least one to help me maintain my sanity. So he gave me a little gift disguised as a quiet, sweet, sensitive girl with soulful eyes. When she laughs her little nose wrinkles up like a cute bunny. And yeah, the other two are beautiful too. I just don't notice it as much when one is telling me she hates me and can't seem to form her mouth into anything resembling a smile, and the other one is screaming at the top of his lungs in his room kicking the wall. So, I know that just for thinking it, much less writing it down, I am sure I am going to Hell....

Loving MY body.....

During this journey, I have come to terms with a few things. One is, let's face it, I am no Gisele Bundchen. God did bless me with some pretty good genetics, but not supermodel good looks. I am no Heidi Klum, I can't pop out a kid one week and walk the Victoria's Secret runway the next. One week after I gave birth I was sitting on a donut in my husbands clothes, with ice packs on my nipples. Not sexy. I will probably never look that good naked. Hello, I gave birth to 3 human beings. The boobs are going south, the belly looks like bread dough, there are a lot of hard earned miles on these tires. So, I have to stand in front of the mirror and look at MY body. Look at the stretch marks, the scars, the bumps and lumps. I have to look at it, take it all in, and love it. It is what it is, I can't change it, nor would I. Every one of those stretch marks reminds me of when I carried my babies inside me. When they moved and kicked, the joy, and the anticipation. My body is basically a map of my life. Every scar tells a story, none that I would take back. So when someone asks me why I am doing this? Who am I trying to impress? Or whatever, you look fine! I just remember that this is about me. It is about loving MYSELF. It is about impressing myself. Many of us take better care of our cars than we do our bodies. Do you put gas in your tank when it is on full? Of course not, so why shove food in your face when you aren't hungry? You go out and wash and vacuum your car, but sit in the recliner and clog up your arteries. So no, I may never stand in front of the mirror and see a supermodel. I may see lines, wrinkles, scars. But what they look like to me is a shrine. A piece of priceless art. A shrine to a life well lived. A shrine to laughter, love, and the power of human spirit. It will be the proof that I can do anything!

My own worst enemy......

I truly am that. I am constantly and consistently putting up my own mental stumbling blocks. One example, this week I have been sick with the flu. So, needless to say I had to put the healthy lifestyle change on the back burner for a few days. I existed on 7-up and crackers....and today now that I feel better I am beating myself up about it. Why? I don't know. I was sick, I know this. But I feel like I should have done better somehow. So when I weigh in this week and the scale isn't where I want it to be I can beat myself up some more. The rational, sane side of me knows this is silly. But the crazy, irrational person side won't let me stop doing it. Even when I have so much support from outside myself, I continue to struggle inside. I know I didn't gain this 75 lbs in a few months, it took me years actually. So why do I expect to lose it in a few months? Those damn mental roadblocks, my own internal failure mechanism. I know I want to succeed so badly, yet I set myself up to fail. Normally, I would shut this internal dialog off by eating. Which in a way distracted me, so I didn't have to listen to it all day. Now, I don't have the option to stuff down those feelings, so I have to deal with them. I guess I haven't developed any new coping skills. Tonight, I am going to go walking with my sister-in-law. Maybe some exercise and some casual conversation will shut that little voice up for a while. If that doesn't work I am going to hire a hit man and have the bitch offed......

Surviving....

It has been a few days since I popped in. The 24 hour stomach bug wreaked havoc in my house over the last few days. I spent a few days cleaning up puke, then it struck me and I spent a day puking. Needless to say, my appetite waned. I didn't even eat enough points the last few days. Usually, I find it hard not to eat over points. I guess I will find out on Saturday if this affected this weeks progress. Today I am living on 7-up and crackers. I made some homemade soup for supper and ate a bowl of that. I am starting to feel better, so I guess it is back on the wagon tomorrow. It really sucks being the mom sometimes. Especially when everyone is sick, and I am sick, and I just want someone to take care of me. Instead, I have to take care of everyone else and neglect myself. It seems then, that it always takes longer for me to recover which makes sense. But I am surviving......