Sunday, January 24, 2010
A journey of 1,000 miles.....
Begins with one single step. I had my first real challenge since I started this journey last night. We went out to the bar for karaoke, dancing (activity points) and of course the evil temptation of alcohol. I planned to just drink water all night, but a few minutes in it was clear that the temptation would be too great. So I gave in a little and drank Diet Coke all night. I even turned down free shots!! I was so proud of myself. I busted out some moves on the dance floor and got pretty sweaty, so I am sure I burned some calories. Then came today. My Dad is turning 50 this Friday, so I needed a gift on a super tight budget. So the kids and I made homemade cards. And then I fell back to what I do best......baking. Well, sort of. At Christmas time I had made some turtles which consist of a Rolo melted into a pretzel with a pecan pressed in and drizzled in white chocolate. My Dad had just raved about how yummy they were, so I decided that I would whip up a batch and send them to him in the mail. I am not sure it was the best idea to tempt myself this early in. The good news, not one Rolo entered my mouth. Just a few of the pretzels (not bad, fat free), and a handful of white chocolate chips. I am not going to point them, I already know I blew my points for the day. And the worst part is I wasn't hungry, it was just that mindless eating that I struggle so hard against. Now I feel like shit, but I am not going to beat myself up about a hand full of chocolate chips. One foot in front of the other, tomorrow is a new day, a clean slate. I can do this!!!
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I didn't eat all day so that I could eat at the baby shower.... a piece of the beer bread I made from scratch, the dip I made, some cheese and sausage and a few of these little pecan/cookie cups my sister makes. I am not even sure how many points it cost me... I "called" it 15... which might just be accurate. But after I had my small plate of portioned out stuff... I didn't feel "full" ... psychologically that is... we sat there and visited and passed the new fresh baby girl around. I watched all of the chicks around me have a full plate of food and about half of them had a second plate. Then while standing in the kitchen visiting some more, they all picked at the cheese/sausage tray, ate more beer bread, had treats and punch.... And I fought with myself inside my head the whole time. I couldn't even relax and truly enjoy myself... I mean I visited and had some fun... but I was SO TENSE fighting the urge to stuff more of the food in my face... EVERYONE WAS DOING IT AROUND ME... And the ABSOLUTE WORST PART... was that they were ALL skinnier than me.... by a lot. IT. WAS. PAINFUL. and now... I want to cover it up with food. So I'm sitting here battling again with myself inside my head... I should just go to bed... It will be less painful and much more quiet, as I won't hear the voices inside my head shouting EAAAAT SOMETHING.... HAVE THAT... JUST A FEW OF THESE... COME ON... YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.
keep on keeping on! I know its hard! I'm there too. My frame is most comfortable and healthy at about 125 (I'm 5'2" and VERY muscular. . .well, underneath the fluff)I've got 45lbs to go 'til I'm back there. I've watched what I've eaten all week, being very disciplined and following a (mostly) vegetarian diet. No weight loss. Granted I only did and hour or yoga this week. My problem may be not eating enough and then going into starvation mode. Keep in mind that fasting is one of the worst things you could do for yourself. Throws your physiological equilibrium way off.
I know, too, how hard it is not comparing yourself to those around you. I want to b-slap some people I know for stressing how much they weigh when they are in size 6 or 8 pants. I mean, really? if a person is stressing @ $1.25 something is seriously wrong (unless they are like 4'8" or something) Then I really think about it. . . are THEY really happy? if they were, they wouldn't be stressing out about it and would have so much acceptance for themselves, which they obviously don't. Then I smile; at least I'm more comfortable in my glorious, porcelein skin then they are in theirs. I'm stong, they are weak. I WILL be healthy. . .them, they will be miserable and self-loathing.
LOL... Thanks for the words, Nina.
Yes the fasting and starving is bad, I know this. But right now... I sort of always feel like I'm starving. I KNOW its in my head and that The first few weeks will be hard hard hard and my brain needs to be trained to say NO to mindless eating and most importantly OVER EATING. I keep telling myself "There are starving children in Ethiopia and Haiti... YOU ARE NOT STARVING, ERICA!!!"
I weigh 198 lbs and am 5'7". I am now heavier than I was 1 week after I delivered my 3rd and last baby (he is almost 1 yr old). Its time to drop the weight... Its time to be healthier. IT IS TIME!
When I started WW, it said that the healthy weight range for my height is 128-160 lbs... whoa... so I am setting a goal to be 160 lbs! By when? Who cares, as long as I get there....
And as far as comparing... You should see my mother and sisters... My mother is 5'3" and about 108 lbs soaking wet.... one of my sisters is 5'2" and probably 120 and the other is 5'4" and proabably 125.... Its so hard to look at them and stand next to them in pictures when I am CLEARLY not built like them... Was I adopted or what!?!?! I can't believe I share their genetic make up.... I haven't been 120 lbs since I was probably in 6th grade.... no joke. But then again, I am taller, built more broad and I've had 3 kids!
Enough ranting for today... I'm getting back to work... and when I mean work, I mean that I'm going to go cruise WW online while I pretned to work... :)
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