To dog or not to dog? That is the question...

So at Christmas time we got the kids a chocolate lab puppy. It seemed like a good idea at the time. She was a beautiful dark chocolate with that utterly delicious puppy smell. She was smart, cute, and quite charming. She was also a huge ball of urine and frustration. As of right now we are not doing the best financially, and she was purebred so we payed a pretty penny for her. Then came the problem, she seemed to be doing well with housebreaking, but she dribbled urine all over. I thought at first it was a submissive thing, then maybe an excitement thing. But it seemed you couldn't even look at her and she was spraying down the room. We took her to our vet to rule out UTI, and got her a thorough look over. What our vet thought it was is a genetic medical problem that can only be corrected through a costly surgery. A surgery that we quite frankly could not afford. So as heartbreaking as it was we decided to ask the breeder that we got her from to take her back. They would give her a good home and find out what was exactly wrong with her. So she is gone now, and I miss her. I love the thought of having a family dog, but it just has not worked out so well for us. We had Bailey the lab/rot mix that had to go live with my mother in law when her hips got bad(we have too many stairs). She was a great family dog and we had her for many years. I have soft spot in my heart for the mistreated so next we decided to try to adopt a dog. So, then came Emma, the neurotic rat terrier that peed and nipped(she was abused). She eventually died of hepatitis-we had her 2 years. Cinnamon, the puppy mill pug/Boston mix that we could never potty train because of her puppy mill history, we gave her back after a few months of trying. Then Kona, the big urine soaked disappointment. I really want a dog, but I think maybe the God's are trying to tell me something. The truth is I don't miss the dog hair, but I do miss the dog. I miss taking her for walks, I miss her tricks, I miss playing fetch. I miss that unconditional love you can only get from a tail wagging pooch when you walk in the door from a rough day. I miss seeing my son laying on her giving her hugs. He kept filling her water dish days after she was gone. It was heartbreaking. I WANT A DOG!! So what to do?

Reflecting on 10 years of marriage......

What is love? I work in a nursing home where I encounter many love stories. Old men and women that have pictures and stories of a marriage that lasted 50 or 60 years, some even longer. It's funny when you can walk past a room at night and hear the wife harping on the husband to eat his snack, or shut the light off and go to bed. I guess when you are older and sick you want to reflect and relive all the happy moments and when they tell their happy stories, it is touching. But the cynical person in me can't help but wonder and then I feel like asking-How many days did you want to choke the living shit out of each other?? No relationship that lasts 5+ decades can be without its trials, even its moments of pure torture. Those are the stories I would rather hear. Those are the endearing sentiments I want to revel in. I want to know about the hurt, heartache, and the hope. That's what gives me hope. I am starting to realize what keeps people married that long. It's the familiarity, it's crawling in bed each night and having that warm body there. That man that in his sleep puts his feet near yours to keep them warm. He unconsciously rolls over to cuddle you. Waking up and having the smell of him there on his pillow, hours after he has left for work. These things are love, and at least to me the most important parts of love. We are lead to believe growing up that it's kisses that take your breathe away, roses, and diamonds. And sometimes it is. But more often than not it is the sound of my son squealing DADDY as my husband walks in the door from work. The smell of supper cooking, and the sounds of kids fighting. It's walking past my son's bedroom door late at night to see him cuddled up with Daddy in the rocking chair, both asleep. Having the same thought at the exact same time, finishing each others sentences, and laughing at stupid things that only we would understand. These things are love. So yes, some days I want to kill this man I am bonded to for life. But then he makes it so hard to stay mad at him, and this is love. So why would I think that I could get that just anywhere? Silly me, because that's love too. So confusing, surprising, sad, and beautiful all at the same time.

Why can't I.......

I often wonder why I can't just do the things I set out to do. I have a plan when I get up in the morning. Like this past week, I have been planning to spring clean. So I sit and I imagine that I will dust my ceiling fans. I will knock down the cob webs. I will move furniture and vacuum underneath it. That's as far as it gets though. I spend the whole day sitting on the couch imagining I am doing it instead of doing it. Now, in the middle of winter when I was bogged down by my seasonal depression I sort of had a good excuse. Today I just can't come up with one other than I am lazy. I guess as far as houses go, there are messier ones than mine. It really is not that bad, just has the look of a house that is "lived in". I am so jealous of people that have really clean houses. One of my friends told me she just can't relax or sit down when she knows there are things that need to be done. I must be missing this gene, because I can sit and relax right on top of the pile of clothes that needs to be put away. My only comfort is knowing that someday I will want to have people over, and for that I will clean. But until then, the hell with it!

Mom vs. Friend

Navigating the world between being the Mom and being a friend is such a struggle. My daughter's are reaching the age where we need to have sex "talks" and there are a lot of questions. I want them to feel like they can ask me anything, and that I am willing to listen. I want them to feel understood and not feel embarrassed or ashamed. But, I don't want them to feel like I am giving them free reign or permission to do things I don't really approve of. It amazes me how much information, or should I say misinformation kids are receiving from other kids in elementary school. Watching Oprah the other day, I was surprised to see that 1 in 5 kids is having sex by age 14. Apparently oral sex is all the rage, and is actually a common occurrence now in middle school. These things are so scary to hear as a mom to two girls. I can't imagine that in only 4 or 5 precious years they could be faced with pressure to have sex in any form. Things have definitely changed. Hopefully, by opening a dialogue with them and forming a trusting relationship they will feel like they can talk to me. I want them to be armed with information, so when they do make decisions regarding sex they can make informed ones. I am not naive enough to think that just because I tell them not to, that they won't do it anyway. I want them to love and appreciate their bodies, and to empower them by telling them that they have the control.
Now, don't get me wrong. I still struggle with juggling the delicate balance between my urge to say "OH HELL NO!", and biting my tongue and just listening. Luckily, we are only in the beginning stages and I have only been confronted by the most innocent and basic of questions. In a few short years I will have 2 hormone raging, wanting to fit in teenage girls running around. It scares the hell out of me, but I will have some comfort in knowing I have laid the foundation. The ultimate choices are up to them. All I can do is be the guiding hand and the listening ear. I hope that I can love them enough, so they in turn will love themselves. I know from my own experience, that the only way you can have a healthy adult relationship is to love and know yourself first. I think that it is only then that you can fully give yourself in every way to someone else. I can't believe that only a few years ago I was worried about colic and ear infections. Time really goes way too fast........

How do you teach appreciation?

Today was a day. I was trying to catch up on laundry. I was doing school clothes for my girls and was slowly realizing that they were missing a lot of clothes. I searched my house thinking they were folded and misplaced (which wasn't likely and you would know that if you knew my folding habits). I looked everywhere, so as a last resort I marched up to my girl's room to have a look. It looked clean and tidy, but I noticed one of my daughter's bed looked weird, kind of uneven. I picked up the bed skirt to look underneath and about had a heart attack, there was so much stuff piled up under there that the bed was starting to come off the floor. So wouldn't you guess I went over to the other bed and found the same thing. So for all these weeks I was thinking my wonderful daughters were doing such a good job at cleaning their room, boy was I wrong!! I got sooooo mad. I found tons of toys, dirty clothes, and garbage. It was like a mutant rat had moved in. I tore it all out and called them upstairs. The look on their faces was priceless. My younger daughter, let me just tell the truth, she's the narc. Don't ever commit a crime with her, she will rat you out in a second. She started in-It was K's idea...blah, blah, blah. And K was-no it was all S's idea and I had nothing to do with it. I was so mad I could just spit. I didn't think yelling would get my point across so I sent them both downstairs and I told them to get me a few big garbage bags. I started going through everything. I counted 27 barbies, 23 my little ponies, countless babies and accessories, books, dress up junk. Even things new in the box sitting there unplayed with from Christmas.
Due to our current financial situation, seeing all this in front of me knowing it was all barely touched or played with made me very distressed. The fact that these two children of mine don't value these things enough to even pick them up off of the floor, but rather casually stuff them in the corner or under a bed just because they are too lazy to take care of them or pick them up. I was mad, but I looked at that pile of barbies and I held one up. I told the girls: Somewhere there is a little girl with a hungry belly, she probably has nothing to eat tonight and she certainly doesn't have nice clothes or a barbie to play with. She probably doesn't even have shoes or a warm blanket to cover up with at night. But here you two are with 7 blankets laying on the floor and 27 barbies stuffed under your bed. I started crying, and so did they. I think I got my point across. So we are in the process of simplifying. We went through the barbies and I made them pick 5 to keep. The rest go in the bag and we are donating them. The ponies are all going. The unopened things, going. All but one or two of the blankets, going. And I even took down one of the beds, because they were using it to pile things on and sleeping together in the other one. I shared a bed with my sister until the day I moved out, it didn't kill me and it won't kill them. By the time I am done cleaning that room I will probably have 2 or 3 full 30 gallon bags of stuff to donate. It makes me ill that all this time I have spent worrying about if my kids will have enough, that I have taught them so very little. So today that all changes, we will have less so we can appreciate more. All that money spent we could have probably gone on a nice family vacation, but instead it's just stuff that gets stuffed under a bed. I decide today that the best gifts I can give my kids are good memories, memories can't be shoved under the bed. So today they are mad at me, but I hope in the long run that by giving them a little less I will be teaching them a little more.

Wants vs. Needs

A while back, I had somewhat of a nervous breakdown. Well maybe not so much of a nervous breakdown, maybe a realization. I wanted something to change, but didn't know what to do about it or what exactly it was. So I asked people. People important to me, whose opinions I value. They mostly posed the question to me, well A-WHAT DO YOU WANT?? Seems so simple, right? Wrong! I could come up with every single thing I don't want. I could make you a list 100 miles long. But what did I want? So I set out on a little mission to find out what I wanted. I went back to school, got a job, and asked my husband for a divorce. WOW, you say, rash decision. Maybe it was. So I moved out, got my own place. I worked, I did what I WANTED, I went out, I flirted, I drank, I slept in, but then I woke up. You see, I was asleep. Asleep not in the literal sense, but asleep in my own life. I was living and ignoring the sights and sounds of my seemingly ordinary life. I was breathing but not deeply. I was looking but not finding or seeing. I was there but not really. It took just a few weeks of doing what I WANTED to start breathing again, and seeing again. And all of a sudden, the guilt came. What the hell was I doing? I was a wife, a mom. I was an adult, but acting like a spoiled angry child. I had many realizations on my short detour in life. One of the first lessons we learn in life is-you don't always get what you WANT. Or how about you always WANT what you can't have. What is this terrible thing we call WANTING? And that's my biggest realization. It's life. It's living. Living is WANTING. Striving to always be better. And why at the end of my days did I WANT to call my husband, to share my day with him? Why did I watch him with our son and daughters and WANT so badly to tell him maybe I was wrong? And then it came to me. NEED. We all have basic needs, we all know what they are. But my truth was I NEEDED him. I NEEDED him. He is my best friend. The father to our children. The fixer of things. He is not only what I WANTED but what I NEEDED. I hated to admit it. I hated that I NEEDED him. I hated trying to explain this crazy logic of mine to this man who I had abandoned and left so confused. But the funny thing was, that he got it. And he NEEDED me too. And he WANTED me to come back. And the other night when we were in bed I thought he was sleeping, but he rolled over sniffling. I asked him "What are you doing"? He said, "Smelling you". I asked him- "What do I smell like"?? He simply said-"Mine". You see, that's just what I WANTED to hear............