I fell flat on my face, now all I have to do is get back up.......

Obviously, I have been bad, bad, bad the past few weeks.  I haven't been posting, which is a huge part of keeping me accountable.  I have eaten what I wanted for the most part.  Drank what I wanted, and gained about 5 lbs in the process.  I am struggling to find motivation right now, and when I start to not care, I just want to eat.  I keep telling myself, I will start again on Monday.  Then Monday rolls around and I change that to Tuesday, and so far the day hasn't come.  I know that I am still a long way from goal, and I want to get there.  I just don't want to have to do the work.  Another aspect of my personality I loathe. 
I get gung ho about something, I fly high for a while, I am always very successful, then I lose motivation and I crash and burn.  I don't want to do that this time.  I know there will be hills as part of this journey and I just need to get up and start walking for the top if I want to see the other side.  Even if it is slow, which it has been, it is worth it.  I am typing that right now, not even sure if I believe it myself.  The other half of me just wants to go for broke and say *&%$ it!  But I guess what they say is true.  Life is less about the destination and more about the journey.  I have learned so much about myself through this.  And I know I CAN do it, and I know I WANT to do it, now all I have to do is DO it.

Life, death, and the bullshit in between......

Last week I was dealing with the death of my Grandma, and not very well.  I feel off the weight loss wagon and landed solidly into a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips, and chocolate, and ice cream.  Basically, whatever food I could get my hands on.  Even with all the progress I have made, food still equates comfort in my brain.  It's just that the comfort isn't quite as comfortable as I remembered.  I felt bloated, heartburn, and just gross.  So today, I decided that I can grieve while I pedal my bike.
I need to switch gears this weekend as we have the wedding of my husband's uncle to attend.  Shopping for an outfit today with my 4 year old son was quite an experience.  He asked me if I knew my legs were huge?  He asked me why we aren't black, after seeing a family not the same color as us at the restaurant where we ate lunch.  He was entertaining, but not as helpful when it came to picking an outfit.  I asked him which of the dresses I tried on was better.  He just looked at me and asked- Do they have a John Deere dress?  Really, what was I thinking trying on that floral number?  I could be rocking the latest in farm fashions.  I decided to make the decision myself and got a cute cream, green, and brown floral motif skirt with a matching little green jacket.  It's cute, summery, and not too dressy.  And, it's about 2 sizes bigger than what I wish I was.
Progress has been slow as of late.  Almost every weekend there is a bbq with brats and beers and beautiful salads and desserts.  I thought winter would be hard, turns out it was pretty easy, and summer is kicking my ass.  I love to eat, love it.  Some days I wish it didn't give me so much pleasure.  I keep telling myself food is fuel, food is fuel.  But I guess my brain or my ass aren't convinced.  With 2 months to my 30th birthday, and a lot more progress I want to make, I am going to have to buckle down.  And run in the other direction when I see a brat........