See, it's not that hard! And doesn't it feel good?

No, I am not referring to a porn movie. I am referring to how I feel!! I have to say that I am eating more than I ever have. More of the right things, rather than the wrong. I am not hungry and I made it through the first week of crazy mood swings and cravings. I am finding making better choices is getting easier and I have found ways to take out the guess work. Since I am a creature of habit who also happens to be all about convenience, I bought baked crackers and pointed them out and portioned them into individual baggies for a grab and go snack. I have to make things easy for myself, so I don't have any excuses. I also got some 100 calorie packs of some sweets for when PMS strikes. It is not about will power at all. It is about choices, and if I keep an array of good choices on hand I don't need will power. I thought this would be so hard to do, but I am literally sleeping away pounds!! I can't really believe it myself. I started this journey at 248.6 lbs, and this morning on the scale I was 238.2! That is 10.4 lbs in a little over a week. One of my friends always told me I would lose the weight when I was ready to. I never understood quite what she meant. I do now. I thought I was always ready to. I mean, who wants to be fat? But I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to face the truth, I wasn't ready to do the work, I wasn't ready to admit that I was fat because of me. It was all my doing. I had no excuses to hide behind anymore. So I am not sure exactly what changed, but it hit me hard and sudden. And I was ready. I am in this for the long haul. I may hit walls, I may get frustrated, I may want to quit, but I won't. I am ready.....

Things I don't want to share around the dinner table....

A while ago, my friend (and sister from another mother)Nina, said something I really took to heart. She said that food is what melds families together. For my family in particular this is so true. Every family event we have there is tons of delicious, decadent food. When I first started this journey, that was something I just didn't want to give up. I wanted to have all the family around the table, laughing, talking, and sharing their day surrounded by delicious food. Some of my fondest memories are of my Mom and I in the kitchen. Her teaching me all of her culinary genius. I also remember the sugar, the butter, the creams......OH BOY. Yummy, yes. Healthy, no! What I realize now is we can still have that camaraderie, we can still share in the delicious food. What we don't have to share is our family health history of high blood pressure and cholesterol, obesity, diabetes, and cancer. Now, what if you were sitting at a table full of food and family and someone asked you to "Please pass the cancer.", or "Give me a big scoop of the diabetes". "Or how about a slice of this high blood pressure?" Wow, you might look at all of that food a little differently. What I didn't realize when I started this and that I do now is that all that comfort-it wasn't from the food. It was in the people, the love, the laughter. And those are the things I can still share around the dinner table. The food can be healthy and tasty, but we need to use it as fuel, not comfort. I can still cook with my daughters, and we can learn new habits together. The best gift I can give the faces around my dinner table is a healthy wife and mother, and a promise to stop that evil family health history dead in its tracks. So, will someone please pass the salad......

Proving it to myself.....

This month we have officially gone one full year without charging ANYTHING!! Last year at this time we were up to our eyeballs in debt. We had transferred medical bills to credit cards thinking we could take advantage of the 0% interest rates, but that rate expires after a year and then what? They jack those rates up sky high. We were soon caught in the ugly cycle of minimum payments and never getting anywhere. Soon minimum payments were $900/month and I was working solely to pay minimum payments on credit cards. It sucked, we were both working so hard and getting no where. We had struggled for years playing catch up, just when we got a bit ahead of the ball the car broke down or we got laid off. Finally we made the heart wrenching decision that something drastic needed to be done. After seeking financial advice, it was determined our best bet would probably be just to file bankruptcy. So we consulted a lawyer and began the process. I don't want to say this is a good thing, but in the long run I think it will be. I wish we had made better financial decisions, and I wish we hadn't had a very sick child, or lay-offs, or lemons for vehicles. Wish, wish, wish! All we can do now is try to do better. Last year, when I was challenged not to charge ANYTHING I never thought I would be able to do it. No gas charged, but what if I need groceries and the budget is blown? So, I took a deep breath and we cut those cards up. I learned to shop on a budget. If the grocery budget was blown, we lived on toast and milk and cereal for a week. We survived. We learned to make less trips to save gas, or combine several shopping stops into one. I learned that just because I wanted something didn't mean I needed it. I learned that we could get by on a lot less and be just as happy, even more actually. We spent more time together, we talked more, we played games, did puzzles, and ate more meals at home. Now today reading this, I think "Anna, but this is common sense stuff!" I guess we just got caught up in the instant gratification and if you want it, you need it, you deserve it mentality. But the truth is, I don't need it. And if I want it that bad, I can wait, save, and when I finally do get it I'll be that more appreciative of it. So that is how I am looking at this new healthy lifestyle. I want it, it might take time. It might be hard, but in the end it will be worth it. I will appreciate it more because I did the hard work. I earned it. Hopefully, in one year I can look back and write a blog entry on this weight loss journey. On how I thought I would never be able to do it, but in the end the only person I had to prove it to was myself.

A journey of 1,000 miles.....

Begins with one single step. I had my first real challenge since I started this journey last night. We went out to the bar for karaoke, dancing (activity points) and of course the evil temptation of alcohol. I planned to just drink water all night, but a few minutes in it was clear that the temptation would be too great. So I gave in a little and drank Diet Coke all night. I even turned down free shots!! I was so proud of myself. I busted out some moves on the dance floor and got pretty sweaty, so I am sure I burned some calories. Then came today. My Dad is turning 50 this Friday, so I needed a gift on a super tight budget. So the kids and I made homemade cards. And then I fell back to what I do best......baking. Well, sort of. At Christmas time I had made some turtles which consist of a Rolo melted into a pretzel with a pecan pressed in and drizzled in white chocolate. My Dad had just raved about how yummy they were, so I decided that I would whip up a batch and send them to him in the mail. I am not sure it was the best idea to tempt myself this early in. The good news, not one Rolo entered my mouth. Just a few of the pretzels (not bad, fat free), and a handful of white chocolate chips. I am not going to point them, I already know I blew my points for the day. And the worst part is I wasn't hungry, it was just that mindless eating that I struggle so hard against. Now I feel like shit, but I am not going to beat myself up about a hand full of chocolate chips. One foot in front of the other, tomorrow is a new day, a clean slate. I can do this!!!

Admitting FAILURE.....

Is it just me or have women as a whole been conditioned that admitting failure or weakness is somehow a bad thing? We have to be able to do everything perfect, whether we work or stay home. Get up, go to work, do a great job, come home, have family time, whip up a quick delicious meal, never break a sweat, never lose your cool. Then you need to go to bed, of course have mind blowing life altering sex (gotta keep that man happy), and sleep a few hours and then start all over again. I want to start a new initiative, and I am putting this proposal on the table. Lets use me as an example, I have no shame. I am going to share all the things that make me a "failure" at life. I make sure my kids have what they need the night before so I don't have to get up in the morning and see them off to school. I mean I sort of get up, wander around like a zombie, mumble my good byes, make sure the basics are taken care of (yep, they made it onto the bus) and go back to bed. I like to sleep till 9 or so, and I have a 3 year old who doesn't. So I place him in front of The Backyardigans with a cereal bar and go back to bed. I can supervise with my super duper mom senses. FAILURE. Since I have been unemployed for the last few months I then get up and make a pot of coffee. I consume about 4 cups. Throw in some laundry, cruise Facebook, while the 3 year old plays next to me on the floor. I don't eat breakfast, neither does he, besides the cereal bar and the banana I managed to peel for him. FAILURE. Then we eat lunch, and most of the time after bargaining over eating a sandwich or a cup of goldfish, I give in and say "Eat the damn goldfish!" "Now go take a nap!" FAILURE. Then I get some quiet time when I plan for supper, change laundry, take the dog out, or putz around. If I am really ambitious I might just lay on the couch for a nap. FAILURE. About 3 my kids get home, we do homework, they get a snack (probably more of the DEVIL goldfish), then they park it in front of the t.v. for their hour of entertainment before supper. Then the 3 year old tyrant wakes and and I usually only have to break up 2 screaming matches, and 1 physical altercation, but that's just an average day. I can usually manage not to threaten their lives, and successfully managed to insert the word fricken' into my vocabulary, but won't go as far as to say the F-bomb has never been dropped. FAILURE. I dutifully make supper and cram in what is possibly my first and only meal of the day, so I eat way too much. But what the hell ice cream sounds good too. And I wonder why I am so fat? FAILURE. Now, if I am lucky I might even get to scrub out a pair of dirty undies(let's be honest I throw them away). Fight a 3 year old onto the toilet to poop. He is stubborn, he holds it for days. Bribe him, with chocolate.....hey it works. Then baths, and books, cuddles and kisses. One Zoloft and 6 hours of sleep later we start over again. Now maybe I am insane for admitting all of this. Maybe CPS will be knocking on my door soon. But in all this failure, this chaos, you will find 3 of the most happy well-adjusted children. They are loved, they are fed, they are clean. Life isn't all about perfect hair like a Pantene commercial. It's about a fat mom in sweat pants. It's about dirty faces, and punching your sister in the face when she eats your last gold fish. So rather than call this life a FAILURE, I am adopting a new phrase for it. REALITY. And guess what, I feel much better knowing my kids will have had a healthy dose of reality when they get out into the real world. Then maybe they won't feel like such FAILURES......

Reasons Why?

We get distracted by the dreams of our own, but no body's happy while feeling alone. And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall, we lean another ladder against the wrong wall....

Those are a few of the lyrics of one of my favorite songs. The saddest part of my realization is that I was not happy and I did feel alone even though I was surrounded by love. This Fall I was feeling quite off. I had just lost my job, my husband got laid off, and my life was basically sucking all around. So I looked around at my house....clutter. Mess, tons of things I didn't need and had no meaning in my life. So I purged, I got rid of a lot. If I hadn't seen it, used it, needed it, or thought about it in a year I got rid of it. It was hard. I put things in boxes and took them back out. I even cried. It took me 4 full weeks, but when I was done it felt awesome. Then I settled in to my unemployed life, I went Susy homemaker. I was cooking, baking, cleaning, spending my days folding laundry and reading stories. It was nice for a while, then I started to feel like crap again. This time it took me a little longer to figure out what it was. One day I bent down to pick up my son and I could barely stand back up, my knees were killing me. I had my hubby carry the laundry basket up the stairs for me because it was too much work and I would actually get short of breath. I couldn't get out of the funk, so I looked in the mirror. I looked really hard at myself and it hit me! It literally slapped me across the face. I was as heavy as I have ever been in my ENTIRE life, even 9 months pregnant. I weighed more now than I did the day I gave birth to my 11 pound son!!! Crazy! And when had that happened? All along, I was mindlessly trying to shut up that crazy Susy Homemaker bitch inside me by stuffing my face with chocolate. Not just chocolate, pretty much anything I could get my hands on. She was telling me to bake and eat, who cares if you are fat. You can't do it, you will always be fat. Don't even try, you will give up. But, standing there at the bottom of the sledding hill last week, watching my husband and kids slide down was torture. Because I knew it would be fun to do it, but I could only manage to climb that hill ONCE. I felt like and 80 year old woman. It made me want to cry. It made me angry. It made me say enough is enough. I am not leaning my ladder against another wrong wall!! I am getting my fat ass into gear! I WILL NOT LIVE ANOTHER YEAR OF MY LIFE WITH REGRETS! I am done. In the scale of things life is too short and I want to live the best life I can. So I am telling fat Susy Homemaker to go to hell!! I am going to be hot Susy!! LOL! So that favorite song of mine is called Reasons Why by Nickel Creek...and another one of my favorite lines from that song says:

Standing on a darkened stage, stumbling through the lines. Others have excuses, but I have my reasons why....

The Picture

They say a picture is worth 1,000 words....well this one was worth four. Those four words were OH MY FUCKING GOD! How have I let myself get this fat? So today I made to conscious decision that something has got to change. My knees hurt, my back hurts, my heart hurts. Everything in my body and in my life is telling me it is time to change. The saying I am going to do it is the easy part. The doing it is going to kick my ass. I guess realizing that I am turning 30 this year, I weigh 248 lbs, and I am slowly inching out of my size 18 pants might just be enough to motivate me. I have 3 active healthy kids that want me to climb hills, go biking, go swimming, take walks. I have become the mom that sits at the bottom of the hill because one time up nearly caused me a cardiac arrest. So sad, and I don't want to be sad anymore. I am blogging about this mostly for myself, I need to hold my feet to the fire. So if no one reads this ever, it will be fine. It will also save me the embarrassment of finally admitting that the weight on my drivers license is vastly misleading....GASP!! What I need is support, words on encouragement, and a collective kick in the ass! So if you do read this, comment, chat, share experiences, and be brutally honest. I won't take it personally. In fact, I might just thank you for it.