The rantings of a crazed lunatic......

One of my artistic outlets has always been the lost art of poetry. I have had a few published, unfortunately they have yet to make me rich. But what the hell, writing keeps me partially sane and off the pills. LOL!! So when I have no witty banter rolling off the top of my head, I will drop a poem on here from time to time. They are mostly dark or depressing, because that is when I write. So here goes.....

BEAUTIFUL POISON

Beautiful poison, dripping down your face
But I can't help myself, I just want to taste
Beautiful sweetness, like sugar to a fly
Knowing it will kill you, but not caring why
Beautiful surrender, two bodies molding one
One becomes the other and the moon obscures the sun
Beautiful liar, your words can cut deep
I wish I could be you, and know how you sleep
Beautiful angel, you win in the end
Everyone loves you, and you keep all your friends
Beautiful poison, it took just one drop
I thought I'd be better, but now know I'm not

So, I got the job............

I got the call on Tuesday morning that I got the job! I guess persistence pays off, since I interviewed in just about every department before getting an offer. When she asked if I wanted to think about it before I accepted, it was a resounding NO!! I took the job, and promptly went in to work to give my notice. I must be a fan of burning bridges, because I didn't give two weeks notice. I simply said that tonight would be my last night. And SURPRISE, no one really seemed to care too much. All I ever got was a royal screwing from them, so I don't really feel bad giving one back. And as far as burning that bridge, I wouldn't go back there for a million dollars anyway. They can keep their low paying, high stress, unappreciated job. Hopefully, I am on to bigger and better things. So, I am not so secretly hoping that I love this new job. Even if I don't, the simple fact that I am getting paid at least $2 dollars an hour more and much better benefits more should pacify me enough to muddle through. I also got a free puppy, so my week is looking up. A new job and a cute puppy to love, what more could a girl ask for?

Waiting........

I interviewed for a job last Thursday. It went really well (at least I thought so). As of right now I know they are checking my references and hopefully I will be getting a call soon to tell me I got the job. I really suck at waiting, I hate it. I was so anxious with the build up of the interview, then having the interview, and now I am just kind of sitting here like UGH. I guess I should be happy to have a job in the meantime, even if it is a job I utterly loath. I think, in a way, I am looking at getting this job as some sort of turning point or sign. After all the crap that has happened in the past year, I am just looking for something to pull me back up to my feet. The truth is, I might not even like this job any better than the one I have now. I have the terrible tendency to always build things up in my head and lead myself to disappointment. I just NEED to get this job, in a way to prove to myself that I won't always be stuck. Stuck here, where I am in SUCKOVILLE. But, the sad truth is the best job for me is no job at all. I would love to go back to the days of being a stay at home mom. I feel like I never see my kids when I work, especially when school is in session and I work 2nd shift. I can go days without seeing my girls or my husband. So far we have been working this opposite shift schedule for 2 years, and it has saved us money on childcare no doubt. Which, I suppose, is the whole point. I suppose I should be happy that the kids come home to a parent rather than a babysitter or an empty house. It just makes me sad that I feel so out of the loop. I know though, that what feels right to me are the traditional Mom/Dad roles. Dad bringing home the bacon, and Mom cooking it. I don't mind carrying on these stereotypes, because truthfully I was much happier cooking the supper. Being here and present for my kids when they got home, helping with homework. Knowing who has what and where, I know absolutely none of that now. It makes me sad that as much as I want to be there, I can't. Financially there is just no way possible that I could not work, and I think it looks like nothing will be changing substantially in the near future. So I need to come to terms with my not so new reality, I AM A WORKING MOM. So, I really do want this job. I need the change and new challenges. I need the better pay and benefits, and I need to know that I CAN DO THIS. I need to know things are looking up, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and this time it isn't a train coming towards me. So here I sit hoping and waiting...

Do good deeds go unrewarded?

Sometimes I feel like I am climbing uphill with no chance of ever reaching the top. I am not a complainer, I really try not to be. I know there are people who have it far worse than me. I just can't help but wish for once to get the lucky break. Do you know someone who no matter what happens in life they always land on their feet? They don't deserve it, they don't work for it, they do nothing yet somehow they just always get what they need? It's the most frustrating thing in the world to sit and watch this person. To know that every day I white knuckle my way through 12 hours, barely hanging on. I literally bust my ass caring for sick people, really sick helpless people. I don't even make enough to pay my bills. I reach one tiny goal only to have the rug pulled out from under me, while this person is waving from the beach-martini in hand. I can swim forever and never get there. ( A little joke, but that's what it feels like.) Maybe this is God's cruel joke on me. My lesson in life. He gives me someone close to me and makes them every single thing I can't really stand about humanity. God, who loves me(I am reminding myself) gives me this person, to frustrate and test me every day. I guess my lesson is to figure out why? No matter what I will never understand that way of living. Yes, I guess it would be easier. Maybe, for one day, it would be nice just to skate by doing the least possible, to accept all the help I can get from others. Play the helpless victim in distress, just to see what I can get done FOR me. To just take,take, take and never give or give a damn about the people that I am using up in the process. But I know I could never do it-I could never be that person. So I guess I will continue to work hard, pray, and white knuckle my way through life. I will hope against hope that adversity does actually build character. If that is the case than I will be the most wealthy......

Mother's Day

The day I had my daughter, life as I knew it changed. I was 19, and some would say, too young to have a baby. The funny thing is for me, I needed her to feel normalcy. I grew up in house full of people, with me being the eldest of five siblings. I was always taking care of someone. The youngest, my brother C, is 9 years younger than me. He was my own version of a real life baby doll. When I moved out and moved on, he was devastated. I think I was too. I was lost and it just didn't feel "normal" without someone to take care of. So I got pregnant. To say it was planned would be a stretch, but to say I didn't know what might happen would be a lie. I had been dating M for almost a year when I found out. I didn't know what would happen with us necessarily, but I knew for some reason no matter what happened I would be fine. Lucky for us, M was down for the ride too. We got married when I was 6 months pregnant. I guess you could say the rest is history. It has been an amazing journey this past 10 years. It hasn't always been beautiful, some years have been downright ugly. But even today, when the outlook isn't the best, I can say one thing. I have 3 of life's greatest accomplishments plopped on my couch right now watching a movie. My life would be so less meaningful without them. I don't know what you do in life without a family. I take comfort in the fact that when everything else falls away, they will still remain constant. As we age, I think we care less and less about the silly things in life. Money, vanity, possessions and all the other foolish things we are chasing after all our lives. They will mean nothing when you are older, when you are sick, when you are leaving this world. I think it then becomes less about what we can hold in our hands and more about what we can hold in our hearts. I am very cynical about the world, but this one thing I do hold in comfort. My heart will always be full. Full of life, of love, and of laughter.

Swine Flu?

I hate the media. We are in such new territory as far as how the news is involved in our lives. With all the new technology, it seems we are living in an instantaneous and up-to-date minute-by-minute world. If you blink you might miss something. So as if we don't have enough to worry about with our failing economy, now we need to worry about some exotic flu pandemic. The media loves to use big worlds like "pandemic" to scare the crap out of people. So soon we are all rushing out to the grocery store and stocking up on masks, canned goods, bottled water and duct tape. WTF, really? I mean really? If there really was a global pandemic of some disease-does anyone really think bottled water and duct tape is going to save their stupid asses? I think they will find you dead with all your windows duct taped shut! The definition of pandemic: A pandemic is an epidemic of infectious disease that spreads through populations across a large region; for instance a continent, or even worldwide.
Is there a swine flu pandemic? No absolutely there is NOT. The insanely funny thing is that far more people die every year from what we all think of as "regular" influenza. There are 20-50 million people diagnosed with it per year, as many as 150,000 hospitalizations. Depending on the year 30,000-50,000 people die from it. I take care of elderly population for a living and I would say in a bad flu season that 50% of them die of it or complications regarding it. Why isn't this all over the news? Oh, I know, is it because it won't sell papers? Or cause mass hysteria, or sell stores out of canned goods? Tonight, I will sleep soundly knowing that I have far more important things to worry about than swine flu. Does anyone remember all the hype about bird flu a few years ago? Wonder what happened to that? It fizzled out just like this will. But if for some reason, possibly in some case of cosmic justice, I do come down with the swine flu I will eat every word of this blog. You will of course find me dead at home with my mask on, a can of green beans in one hand, a bottle of water in the other, and all my windows duct taped shut. LMAO!!