I love my life, how's yours?

Did you know there is only one "right" way of doing things.  Especially if you are small minded.  How sad it is to live your life in a narrow hallway of self righteous garbage.  Never opening a door or peeping out the window in fear the "evils" of the world might rush in and mar your perfect view of the little world you have created.  Never is this more evident to me when you meet someone who is standing on this moral high ground, talking down to you.  It must be nice to hen peck bits and pieces of whatever works for you and call it your religion or faith.  Really?  What do you have faith in, your ability to spin a yarn of bullshit so deep you can't even find your way out?

Well, I go to church on Sundays, pay my church dues, and preach to everyone I can find to listen that my way is the right way.  But then on the weekdays I engage in premarital sex, try to screw my neighbor's wife, gamble at the casino, and gossip.  WOW, and call me uneducated, ignorant, or faithless because I don't buy into what you are saying.  I am just trying to live my life in the best way possible, striving to be a better person, to live in service of others.  To listen, and weigh all things. I don't think God has a problem with that.  I don't think God gave us information and knowledge so we could never ask questions or think critically.  I don't think he handed his words down to be taken so literally there is no room for any other interpretation.  For example, God said, be fruitful and multiply. What does that mean to you?  Some would use it as a ticket to reproduce as much as possible, never weighing the consequences or responsibilities of their actions.  I use it as a guideline to live by, be fruitful in your interactions with others, share knowledge, multiply your blessings in ALL aspects of your life.  So no, I don't always agree with you.  But it's not because I am ignorant, it's because I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinions and beliefs.  And if it is working for them who am I to say whether is wrong or right?


My Mom often used the quote: Judge not, yest ye be judged.  Don't judge others unless you are ready to subject yourself to some judgment.  I think the best we can do is acknowledge that no, we are not perfect.  Life is a journey, and if you use it wisely, you use it to grow.  Not just in the literal sense, but in the figurative sense too.  To learn, to think, to strive to be a better person, to love others, and to share your blessings. I think that you are a better person to admit your faults, than try to hide them.  To hide behind this idea you have of faith.  Faith should not be used to beat other people down, and make them feel less than.  I think Faith in itself should lift people up, to make them feel happy and peaceful.   So really, if you spend your time in judgment of and looking down on others from your pedestal,  how happy and peaceful can you be feeling?  Maybe it's time to reevaluate your life instead of focusing so much of your attention on others.....

The One Thing I Know for Sure.......

Life keeps moving, whether you want it to or not.  Days turn into weeks, weeks into months, months into years.  Funny, I don't feel any older than I did at 21, but this year makes me 30.  I often look around wondering where the time went, and sadly, each passing year it flies faster.  I guess our lives are like sand in your palm.  You can hold it only awhile before it slips silently out of your grasp.

I wonder if I will still feel the same in another 10 years, when I have a 21 year old daughter?  Will I feel as I do today, a 21 year old, stuck in someone else's aging body?  All along though, there are the constants that provide comfort.  The man that has slept across the bed for me for 12 years, wow, he is almost 30 too.  The 3 children, that for a while will still need me, but it will never be for long enough.  The friends that are aging with me, and helping me laugh away some of this time.  The house we have made a home together.  With a Mom and a Dad, 3 kids,  2 dogs, a swing set, and a picnic table.  In so many ways ordinary, but in so many ways extraordinary.

It seems like all I did was blink, and here I am.  It passed so slowly as a child, I came to fear I would never gain freedom.  I would live under my father's tyrannical rule forever.  Constantly longing to grow up, I wish I could go back and tell that child to calm down.  Wait a minute, enjoy it a little more, it will all be gone before you know it.  Alas, that is the catch 22 of this life.  In an effort to grow up a little more quickly we try to speed it up, and in order to beat the clock of age, we later try to slow it down again.  But the joke is on us.  Time marches on.......with or without us.  I guess it's a trip I'll have to take, and try not to blink, it's gone.

You mean this might go on for 92 f&%$king years???

The new job I have gotten has given me more quiet than I have had in a long time.  I spend my days playing scrabble with a 92 year old women, at least until she dozes off, which renders me unable to move in fear that I wake her.  So I am left with my thoughts.  I have not been sticking to my "food lifestyle plan" as diligently as I had hoped.  Let's just say I have really given it the heave-ho.  I don't want that, I want to do it.  No, I don't.  It took me one month to gain back 10 lbs.  And that, my friends, is the struggle.  My exhausting search for BALANCE.  I am either tottering on the edge of despair, or bubbling on the verge of elation.  I am either pigging out, or strictly limiting myself.  I am neither here nor there, which get's me no where.

I want to enjoy life.  I want to laugh, drink, eat, walk my dogs, play scrabble, drink coffee, bake, and nap on rainy days.  I want to do these things at appropriate times, feel things in the moment, and then let them go into the universe.  Not chew on them until any semblance of flavor is long since made it's exit.  Why is it so hard?  I find moments.  I get fleeting glimpses, then I fall back into the old patterns again.  I find success, only to sabotage it.  I find happiness, only to question it.  And I find food, and I eat it.
 
So, maybe this break from the healthy lifestyle is needed.  Maybe it is a lesson in humility.  Maybe it's time to face the fact that this is it, and I can't do it.  Or somewhere deep down I really don't want to.  I just crave this balance, it's almost a mirage to me.  I know it exists and I get close, only to have it disappear as if it was never even there.  So what have I learned so far on this journey?  I have to say I am more self aware.  I have never spent so much time in my own head as I have these past few months.  And though, it can be a scary place sometimes, there are really beautiful places too.  

I have to say that I am okay with the person I am, maybe not physically, but deep down in my heart I love my personality.  I am very confused spiritually though, and that is part of the problem.  My inability to connect to anything that requires faith troubles me, and begs me to wonder what happened to the Christian girl with unwavering faith that I used to be?  Did God forget about me?  Or was he ever even there?  All questions I need to explore further.  Maybe I forgot about God.  Maybe the question is the answer.  I do know one thing for sure.....it will take a lifetime to figure all this out.  Maybe I need to take a lesson from the wise old woman I now care for, seize the moments.  Whether they are to play scrabble with a willing opponent, or take a cat nap in the sun while sitting in your favorite chair, take each breath deliberately.  And hope the rest sorts itself out......

I fell flat on my face, now all I have to do is get back up.......

Obviously, I have been bad, bad, bad the past few weeks.  I haven't been posting, which is a huge part of keeping me accountable.  I have eaten what I wanted for the most part.  Drank what I wanted, and gained about 5 lbs in the process.  I am struggling to find motivation right now, and when I start to not care, I just want to eat.  I keep telling myself, I will start again on Monday.  Then Monday rolls around and I change that to Tuesday, and so far the day hasn't come.  I know that I am still a long way from goal, and I want to get there.  I just don't want to have to do the work.  Another aspect of my personality I loathe. 
I get gung ho about something, I fly high for a while, I am always very successful, then I lose motivation and I crash and burn.  I don't want to do that this time.  I know there will be hills as part of this journey and I just need to get up and start walking for the top if I want to see the other side.  Even if it is slow, which it has been, it is worth it.  I am typing that right now, not even sure if I believe it myself.  The other half of me just wants to go for broke and say *&%$ it!  But I guess what they say is true.  Life is less about the destination and more about the journey.  I have learned so much about myself through this.  And I know I CAN do it, and I know I WANT to do it, now all I have to do is DO it.

Life, death, and the bullshit in between......

Last week I was dealing with the death of my Grandma, and not very well.  I feel off the weight loss wagon and landed solidly into a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips, and chocolate, and ice cream.  Basically, whatever food I could get my hands on.  Even with all the progress I have made, food still equates comfort in my brain.  It's just that the comfort isn't quite as comfortable as I remembered.  I felt bloated, heartburn, and just gross.  So today, I decided that I can grieve while I pedal my bike.
I need to switch gears this weekend as we have the wedding of my husband's uncle to attend.  Shopping for an outfit today with my 4 year old son was quite an experience.  He asked me if I knew my legs were huge?  He asked me why we aren't black, after seeing a family not the same color as us at the restaurant where we ate lunch.  He was entertaining, but not as helpful when it came to picking an outfit.  I asked him which of the dresses I tried on was better.  He just looked at me and asked- Do they have a John Deere dress?  Really, what was I thinking trying on that floral number?  I could be rocking the latest in farm fashions.  I decided to make the decision myself and got a cute cream, green, and brown floral motif skirt with a matching little green jacket.  It's cute, summery, and not too dressy.  And, it's about 2 sizes bigger than what I wish I was.
Progress has been slow as of late.  Almost every weekend there is a bbq with brats and beers and beautiful salads and desserts.  I thought winter would be hard, turns out it was pretty easy, and summer is kicking my ass.  I love to eat, love it.  Some days I wish it didn't give me so much pleasure.  I keep telling myself food is fuel, food is fuel.  But I guess my brain or my ass aren't convinced.  With 2 months to my 30th birthday, and a lot more progress I want to make, I am going to have to buckle down.  And run in the other direction when I see a brat........

Dying doesn't scare me, the not living does.......

My Grandma died this morning.  Should I be happy for her that she just keeled over and didn't have to suffer?  Or should I be sad that she died alone?

She was my "spicy" Grandma.  She didn't do Grandma things with me.  We didn't bake cookies, knit, or garden together.  We rode in her cute red convertible with the top down.  We swore, we laughed, we talked.  She didn't take shit from anyone.  She was by far not perfect, but she was perfectly flawed.  And one of the few people in my life who, I believe, truly understood me.  She called me this weekend but I didn't answer the phone.  I was busy in the Dells with my kids at the water park.  It would have been the last time I talked to her, but I didn't answer.  I listened to the voice mail this morning.  It was just random things.  How are you?  I am o.k.  Call me.  I love you.  I pushed 7 to erase literally 15 minutes before my Mom called me to tell me she passed away.  Now I wish I could hear her voice again.

One night we had a conversation about religion and my confusion about my faith.  She laughed and told me even at 67 she was still confused.  She told me I was a good person, and she believed in me.  That eventually, I would figure it out.  I still haven't Grandma.  But, I damn well will keep trying. 

I think she is really the first person close to me, as an adult, that I have lost.  It really puts things perspective for me.  Mortality.  We will all die.  Someday, I will bury my parents.  Someday, my children will bury me.  Tonight, I laid in bed with my beautiful blonde haired son.  He looked peaceful and serene.  As he slept, I stroked his soft hair and held his chubby baby fingers in my hand.  I have peace in my heart when I think of leaving this earth, because I have had love.  All of the pain I had to endure to get here sometimes washes over me, and I have let it consume me at times.  But I have been loved more than hurt.  I have been blessed more than condemned.  My heart is so full of love, laughter, and memories.  If you haven't had so much love in your life that at times you felt like you could burst, find it, and don't let go.

The lessons that my Grandma taught me are that sometimes the best and truest love comes from those you least expect it to.  That even if you make a lifetime of mistakes, you can be saved.  That even the flawed can seek redemption, and can bask in the sun.  That real love transcends life and death.  Rest in peace Grandma.  I hope you get that field full of pansies in the after life. Thanks for the memories.

~"We all die.  The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will." ~

Trying to be the "bigger", but "littler" person.....

People say you need to forgive someone, not for them, but for yourself.  But what if you feel like they are not owed the forgiveness?  What if you feel like that by forgiving you are saying that their behavior was somehow o.k.?  Or you somehow accept it?  What if you cause someone irreparable damage?  What do you owe that person?  Can you put a price on the human psyche?  Soul, mind, breath, and life.

I am stuck somewhere between half assed, and maybe sane.  A daily struggle against myself.  And who should I thank for that?  People that too this day refuse to see the error of their ways, refuse to apologize, or acknowledge.  People who exist only in their own little bubble of themselves.  I will spend the rest of my life sorting through the pieces they gave me.  Pieces I have been sorting now for almost 30 years, slowly gluing  back together, trying to make myself whole again.  I have come to accept that I am an adult now, that I have the control, I have the way and the means.  I have to be better.  But deep down, when I look over the scars, the cracks, I can't help but wonder how things might have been different.

Would I be as strong today, if I hadn't had to scratch and crawl my way up from the bottom?  Would I appreciate things as much?  Would I laugh as loud or breathe as deep?  Would I stand my ground and speak my mind?  The confusion kills me.  Maybe instead I should be thanking them, for making me a fighter.  For making me stronger than I ever thought I could be.  That by forcing me to dwell in darkness, I got out to seek the light.  Maybe they will never find theirs.  I keep praying for the peace to come.  I long for the inner peace, that will lighten me, and allow me to drop the load I carry.  Why do I carry their sins on my back?  In hopes that by seeing my burden they will someday see the despair they have caused.  But, in reality, it just makes me tired.  Sad, hopeless, and completely devastated.  It leaves me waiting for a day that will probably never come......