Life happens.....

Wow, seems like it's been forever since I wrote. I have been consumed with myself lately. I am not feeling up to par, so I get lazy and I don't do much of anything much less write. I have for most of my life ridden the roller coaster of my moods, and lately I can't seem to get over the humps so to speak. This winter when things felt really bad, I went to talk therapy and I lasted about 2 sessions. I have done a lot of therapy in my life, and I hate to say this, but I often wonder if it really helps. I hate talking about stuff that is over and done with, analyzing and over thinking everything as I regurgitate it to a therapist. I mean, hell, I do enough over thinking without the therapists help. I have long been opposed to any mood enhancing "meds" but I am starting to think that I have struggled with this long enough. Maybe it is time to say I need the help, and just take it. Perhaps it would lead to the peace I am craving so badly. I would love to go one day without feeling the crippling anxiety, constant mood swings, and overall bad mood that I seem to now have daily. I want to be happy, or at least feel that happiness is attainable. I have so much in my life that should bring me joy, but instead I get bogged down in the negative. I always have a glass half empty. I am so tired of what feels like a daily struggle to crawl out of a hole, I am constantly tired and have no energy. I want to have energy, I want to want to do things. I want to start enjoying life. I think it's about time........

The places we go in dreams.......

I have dreamed several nights in a row of a place I have never been. A place I have never seen, but yet it seemed so utterly familiar to me. I try not to over analyze my dreams, but this one has got me thinking. I am driving in the country on some old gravel roads. It is a hot day, hazy, a day that in itself makes you long for a glass of iced tea and a porch swing. I turn onto a winding stretch of road and I see it. It is an old stone farmhouse with red shutters. There is an old picket fence out front, the gate hanging by one hinge and lazily swinging back in forth in the breeze. There is a lilac bush full of blooms and tell tale signs of a yard that was once loved growing up to weeds. Outside there is an inviting porch, the whole scene is so surreal and beckoning. I pull in the driveway and step out. The house itself is beautiful but haunting, sad almost. The cold contours of the stones and then the bright red shutters, outlined against the green grass and clouds. It's the sort of place you could never find if you didn't know it was there.

I walk up to the porch, it has seen better days. I step up to the door, I turn the knob and step inside. The floors are wood, and inside there is beautiful craftsmanship everywhere. Solid wood trim and a beautiful staircase, obviously painstakingly made, now in desperate need of love. The smell is stale, old, dusty. For some reason though, I find it delicious and familiar. I walk through the house, and notice tiny things. A pair of old white curtains gently swaying through the breeze of a broken window. A claw foot tub, sitting perfectly regal, yet on a half rotted floor. A cast iron kitchen sink, with a red rust stain at the bottom. I can imagine the people that built this house. The person who lovingly laid the stones, and planed the wood for the floors. The women who tended her gardens, and planted the lovely lilac bushes. I imagine the lilacs on the table, in the room with the white cotton curtains. I imagine a life there, a simple, uncomplicated life. I spend the afternoon on the porch.

So that's the dream. I have now dreamed it several times. Is it that I long to be lost where no one can find me? Do I long for long summer days of iced tea, lilacs, and clean white cotton curtains? And what is the significance of the red shutters. Is it that even though I long for these simple, uncomplicated things I still need that punch of red to spice things up? This dream has really got me thinking......

So you just had to be a smart ass, didn't you?

My plan was to give 2 weeks notice at my old job, and I really tried to. I just can't keep a level head. When I tried to give the notice, my supervisor pissed me off by making some really snide and rude comments. Then, of course, I lost my cool and told her that since no one seemed to care to much anyway, that night would be my last. Hmmm, little did I know how ruthless they would be, they decided later to tell me that since I didn't give proper notice that they now refuse to pay out the remainder of my vacation time. Of course, I don't have a leg to stand on, they are not legally bound to pay it and I can't afford to fight them. So I screwed myself there, which I suspect, was their goal all along. The next day my husband came home with a piece of paper stating he was laid off. GO FIGURE!! Nothing can ever just go right and keep going, I have to always get one good ass kicking after another. They are telling him he will be called back by July, but I am not holding my breath. Of course, they laid him off 3 days before the end of the month and his benefits end the last day of the month of layoff. Of course, we could continue to pay COBRA-but since that is more than we even make in a month with us both working it's not really a feasible option.
So we have basically nothing in savings, and I have 2 weeks before I will see my first paycheck. He has filed his unemployment claim, so we will see if we can rob Peter to pay Paul this month and pray he gets called back to work next month. Since we are already planning on filing for bankruptcy, I refuse to pick up a credit card and put that in jeopardy. If he doesn't get called back in July, we will be back to square one and right back where we were 2 years ago!! God, it is so frustrating that after 10 years of marriage rather than things getting easier, they progressively get worse. Just when I think I have hit bottom, I bounce! Hit after hit is getting really tiring......

The rantings of a crazed lunatic......

One of my artistic outlets has always been the lost art of poetry. I have had a few published, unfortunately they have yet to make me rich. But what the hell, writing keeps me partially sane and off the pills. LOL!! So when I have no witty banter rolling off the top of my head, I will drop a poem on here from time to time. They are mostly dark or depressing, because that is when I write. So here goes.....

BEAUTIFUL POISON

Beautiful poison, dripping down your face
But I can't help myself, I just want to taste
Beautiful sweetness, like sugar to a fly
Knowing it will kill you, but not caring why
Beautiful surrender, two bodies molding one
One becomes the other and the moon obscures the sun
Beautiful liar, your words can cut deep
I wish I could be you, and know how you sleep
Beautiful angel, you win in the end
Everyone loves you, and you keep all your friends
Beautiful poison, it took just one drop
I thought I'd be better, but now know I'm not

So, I got the job............

I got the call on Tuesday morning that I got the job! I guess persistence pays off, since I interviewed in just about every department before getting an offer. When she asked if I wanted to think about it before I accepted, it was a resounding NO!! I took the job, and promptly went in to work to give my notice. I must be a fan of burning bridges, because I didn't give two weeks notice. I simply said that tonight would be my last night. And SURPRISE, no one really seemed to care too much. All I ever got was a royal screwing from them, so I don't really feel bad giving one back. And as far as burning that bridge, I wouldn't go back there for a million dollars anyway. They can keep their low paying, high stress, unappreciated job. Hopefully, I am on to bigger and better things. So, I am not so secretly hoping that I love this new job. Even if I don't, the simple fact that I am getting paid at least $2 dollars an hour more and much better benefits more should pacify me enough to muddle through. I also got a free puppy, so my week is looking up. A new job and a cute puppy to love, what more could a girl ask for?

Waiting........

I interviewed for a job last Thursday. It went really well (at least I thought so). As of right now I know they are checking my references and hopefully I will be getting a call soon to tell me I got the job. I really suck at waiting, I hate it. I was so anxious with the build up of the interview, then having the interview, and now I am just kind of sitting here like UGH. I guess I should be happy to have a job in the meantime, even if it is a job I utterly loath. I think, in a way, I am looking at getting this job as some sort of turning point or sign. After all the crap that has happened in the past year, I am just looking for something to pull me back up to my feet. The truth is, I might not even like this job any better than the one I have now. I have the terrible tendency to always build things up in my head and lead myself to disappointment. I just NEED to get this job, in a way to prove to myself that I won't always be stuck. Stuck here, where I am in SUCKOVILLE. But, the sad truth is the best job for me is no job at all. I would love to go back to the days of being a stay at home mom. I feel like I never see my kids when I work, especially when school is in session and I work 2nd shift. I can go days without seeing my girls or my husband. So far we have been working this opposite shift schedule for 2 years, and it has saved us money on childcare no doubt. Which, I suppose, is the whole point. I suppose I should be happy that the kids come home to a parent rather than a babysitter or an empty house. It just makes me sad that I feel so out of the loop. I know though, that what feels right to me are the traditional Mom/Dad roles. Dad bringing home the bacon, and Mom cooking it. I don't mind carrying on these stereotypes, because truthfully I was much happier cooking the supper. Being here and present for my kids when they got home, helping with homework. Knowing who has what and where, I know absolutely none of that now. It makes me sad that as much as I want to be there, I can't. Financially there is just no way possible that I could not work, and I think it looks like nothing will be changing substantially in the near future. So I need to come to terms with my not so new reality, I AM A WORKING MOM. So, I really do want this job. I need the change and new challenges. I need the better pay and benefits, and I need to know that I CAN DO THIS. I need to know things are looking up, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and this time it isn't a train coming towards me. So here I sit hoping and waiting...

Do good deeds go unrewarded?

Sometimes I feel like I am climbing uphill with no chance of ever reaching the top. I am not a complainer, I really try not to be. I know there are people who have it far worse than me. I just can't help but wish for once to get the lucky break. Do you know someone who no matter what happens in life they always land on their feet? They don't deserve it, they don't work for it, they do nothing yet somehow they just always get what they need? It's the most frustrating thing in the world to sit and watch this person. To know that every day I white knuckle my way through 12 hours, barely hanging on. I literally bust my ass caring for sick people, really sick helpless people. I don't even make enough to pay my bills. I reach one tiny goal only to have the rug pulled out from under me, while this person is waving from the beach-martini in hand. I can swim forever and never get there. ( A little joke, but that's what it feels like.) Maybe this is God's cruel joke on me. My lesson in life. He gives me someone close to me and makes them every single thing I can't really stand about humanity. God, who loves me(I am reminding myself) gives me this person, to frustrate and test me every day. I guess my lesson is to figure out why? No matter what I will never understand that way of living. Yes, I guess it would be easier. Maybe, for one day, it would be nice just to skate by doing the least possible, to accept all the help I can get from others. Play the helpless victim in distress, just to see what I can get done FOR me. To just take,take, take and never give or give a damn about the people that I am using up in the process. But I know I could never do it-I could never be that person. So I guess I will continue to work hard, pray, and white knuckle my way through life. I will hope against hope that adversity does actually build character. If that is the case than I will be the most wealthy......