The places we go in dreams.......

I have dreamed several nights in a row of a place I have never been. A place I have never seen, but yet it seemed so utterly familiar to me. I try not to over analyze my dreams, but this one has got me thinking. I am driving in the country on some old gravel roads. It is a hot day, hazy, a day that in itself makes you long for a glass of iced tea and a porch swing. I turn onto a winding stretch of road and I see it. It is an old stone farmhouse with red shutters. There is an old picket fence out front, the gate hanging by one hinge and lazily swinging back in forth in the breeze. There is a lilac bush full of blooms and tell tale signs of a yard that was once loved growing up to weeds. Outside there is an inviting porch, the whole scene is so surreal and beckoning. I pull in the driveway and step out. The house itself is beautiful but haunting, sad almost. The cold contours of the stones and then the bright red shutters, outlined against the green grass and clouds. It's the sort of place you could never find if you didn't know it was there.

I walk up to the porch, it has seen better days. I step up to the door, I turn the knob and step inside. The floors are wood, and inside there is beautiful craftsmanship everywhere. Solid wood trim and a beautiful staircase, obviously painstakingly made, now in desperate need of love. The smell is stale, old, dusty. For some reason though, I find it delicious and familiar. I walk through the house, and notice tiny things. A pair of old white curtains gently swaying through the breeze of a broken window. A claw foot tub, sitting perfectly regal, yet on a half rotted floor. A cast iron kitchen sink, with a red rust stain at the bottom. I can imagine the people that built this house. The person who lovingly laid the stones, and planed the wood for the floors. The women who tended her gardens, and planted the lovely lilac bushes. I imagine the lilacs on the table, in the room with the white cotton curtains. I imagine a life there, a simple, uncomplicated life. I spend the afternoon on the porch.

So that's the dream. I have now dreamed it several times. Is it that I long to be lost where no one can find me? Do I long for long summer days of iced tea, lilacs, and clean white cotton curtains? And what is the significance of the red shutters. Is it that even though I long for these simple, uncomplicated things I still need that punch of red to spice things up? This dream has really got me thinking......

So you just had to be a smart ass, didn't you?

My plan was to give 2 weeks notice at my old job, and I really tried to. I just can't keep a level head. When I tried to give the notice, my supervisor pissed me off by making some really snide and rude comments. Then, of course, I lost my cool and told her that since no one seemed to care to much anyway, that night would be my last. Hmmm, little did I know how ruthless they would be, they decided later to tell me that since I didn't give proper notice that they now refuse to pay out the remainder of my vacation time. Of course, I don't have a leg to stand on, they are not legally bound to pay it and I can't afford to fight them. So I screwed myself there, which I suspect, was their goal all along. The next day my husband came home with a piece of paper stating he was laid off. GO FIGURE!! Nothing can ever just go right and keep going, I have to always get one good ass kicking after another. They are telling him he will be called back by July, but I am not holding my breath. Of course, they laid him off 3 days before the end of the month and his benefits end the last day of the month of layoff. Of course, we could continue to pay COBRA-but since that is more than we even make in a month with us both working it's not really a feasible option.
So we have basically nothing in savings, and I have 2 weeks before I will see my first paycheck. He has filed his unemployment claim, so we will see if we can rob Peter to pay Paul this month and pray he gets called back to work next month. Since we are already planning on filing for bankruptcy, I refuse to pick up a credit card and put that in jeopardy. If he doesn't get called back in July, we will be back to square one and right back where we were 2 years ago!! God, it is so frustrating that after 10 years of marriage rather than things getting easier, they progressively get worse. Just when I think I have hit bottom, I bounce! Hit after hit is getting really tiring......